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WildBill's thoughts echo mine.

Reading your post my initial thoughts were that you are explaining and justifying all this way too much.

This is a potentially lethal situation to any involved. It is a classic loop that feeds itself and now you are the food.
If you choose to continue in this relationship, your life will be what you have in front of you now unless YOU change it.

Look at your past relationships. Have they been similar to this?
If so, realize this, get some counseling and change your MO.

If not, as difficult as it is, you and your wife need a fresh start away from the family dynamics.

I hope I have not been too blunt, but it is time to act.

I wish you well.