I am currently reading his other book "On Killing". While not my fastest read as it is a bit "textbookish" for me to fly through, it is incredible inciteful and educational, and helping me to look at my choice to carry a lethal weapon as a tool in the fight against only being a "defenseless victim". OP - don't try to process something like this all on your own. You are asking for prayer, consider them sent - I suggest you hand this over to the Lord - Something I learned from one of my children's summer camps that comes to mind is "Let go and let God"
Blessings