I imagine the one immutable truth still applies here:
(Feel free to fill in the blanks appropriately.)
"I, so and so

read on the Internet that old so and so said that the _____________ is absolute garbage. Old so and so said that since he/she/it bought a _____________, everything ever made by ___________ is absolute garbage only suitable for gullible cretins to own."
This is a gullible cretin, if you don't know -------->
By that gold standard of judgement, nothing on the face of the earth made by the hand of man (sorry, he/she/it) is ever worthy of consideration. Buying said ___________ garbage instantly marks one as a pariah among men (sorry, he's/she's/ it's) - meaning you'll look like this little fellow everywhere you go forever more. ----->
If you, old so and so, don't like ____________, by all means don't ever buy a ___________ . If you, old so and so, bought one that is garbage, send it to me. I'll PM my address. I'll find a good home for it. Then you, old so and so, don't have to vehemently grouse about it all the time to everyone on the Internet. Most important, you won't grow up to be a ---------->
If you,

are curious about a ___________ and want to know if they're worth owning, I suggest you practice the time-honored tradition of going to look at a _____________ in a store, where they sell all the other other garbage brands, and make a decision based on your personal evaluation. If it works out, you're good to go.
Following this simple procedure will prevent you being labeled an old so and so, and......wait for it......
Growing up to look like me --------->
[sarcasm off].
