Need some honest opinions. (Mods move if necessary)

[LongHairedRedneck]

I know it sounds harsh, but maybe "bad for him" is the best thing for everyone... including him. I apologize to the forum if that is too harsh.

sometimes you have to amputate a finger to save the hand

I would get some form of Law enforcement involved or cut all ties with the in-laws, might not be a bad decision to do both. This is a bad situation that could turn even worse very very quickly.

[pcgizzmo]

Pcgizmo, I was actually wondering what your wife's position was on all this. What is her opinion of her brother? What is her opinion of her parents' actions? I'm also thinking that since your wife's parents are unable to make the tough decision and by asking you for your help or advice they may be wanting you to start making these decision for them and tell them what to do. It is putting you in a tough spot and they could eventually blame you if things get worse for their son. They could be trying to hand you the keys to the family.

Early in my marriage, 20 years this year, I considered my wife an equal. Things have changed over the years and about 5 years ago I realized that even though she earns twice what I do I'm still in charge. We discuss almost everything, but the final decision is always mine. She trusts me and knows that I wouldn't put our family at risk. Our parents are also approaching that stage in their lives when they will begin relying on us more. A long time ago my own father made a decision for the safety of his family and moved my mom, brother, and sister 1,300 miles away from my mom's family and my dad's own mother. The issue had nothing to do with my dad's mom, but it was the sacrifice he had to make for the safety of his wife and kids. It was the best thing he could have done. I'm sure it was a difficult decision, but it needed to be done.

My wife has grown very tired of it and thinks her brother is using her parents. She still loves her brother but is tired of his abuse of her parents.

Her parents have never really asked for advice. They tell us what is happening and we mostly my wife gives it but they never take. My mother-in-law is a HUGE liberal. My apologies if there are any here. She is the type that feels sorry for the poor prisoners and they can't all be bad type. It really makes me sick to my stomach sometimes but it is what it is and I new this when I married my wife. Thanks...

[pcgizzmo]

Perhaps you should be talking with the local LE folks in your in-laws city...?

There afraid of what might happen to him. He tells them it's all run by prison gangs and if someone tells and they find out it will be bad for him. It's a crazy situation.

I know it sounds harsh, but maybe "bad for him" is the best thing for everyone... including him. I apologize to the forum if that is too harsh.

I agree. I almost wrote him a letter and told him that years ago Samurai would fall on their own sword before they would dishonor their family and maybe he should think about doing the same but I decided against it.

[Purplehood]

Perhaps you should be talking with the local LE folks in your in-laws city...?

There afraid of what might happen to him. He tells them it's all run by prison gangs and if someone tells and they find out it will be bad for him. It's a crazy situation.

I know it sounds harsh, but maybe "bad for him" is the best thing for everyone... including him. I apologize to the forum if that is too harsh.

I agree. I almost wrote him a letter and told him that years ago Samurai would fall on their own sword before they would dishonor their family and maybe he should think about doing the same but I decided against it.

That would have been a cool letter. He probably wouldn't have got the gist of it...

[sugar land dave]

OP is just an asset base that the family will tap into via the daughter. This will eventually result in two decisions, one by the wife, one by the OP. I hope the two decisions will be as one.

pcgizzmo, you, the Original Poster, decided to bring this to the forum knowing that it would elicit replies from some grizzled old veterans of life. You should not have done that if you are unwilling to hear their words. They don't give them lightly.

Your situation is an old story, played out millions of times throughout the history of man. It has a pattern and a limited number of potential paths. You must be a man, or else you will be someone's puppet, with everyone but you pulling your strings and pushing your buttons. You will be the leader of your family, guiding them in your ways, or someone else will take on that role for you, leading your family in their ways.

Life veteran's on here have told you hard truths, earned through many years of living and observing without the benefit of rose-colored glasses. You must decide who you are for the benefit of your immediate family. It is not for anyone on this forum.

Will you sell your soul for this Bad Guy brother? Will you surrender your family's safety to placate your wife's parents? Will your wife trade the safety of the family? Will she choose her family over you? These are the really tough questions you face, and we cannot choose. Only you can, and the only comfort that I can offer you is that millions have gone before you, and no matter the choice and outcome, many will have been down that path before you.

My words are harsh, but you are in a tough situation and soft just won't get it done. It's time to "man up" as they say.

[Oldgringo]

I almost wrote him a letter and told him that years ago Samurai would fall on their own sword before they would dishonor their family and maybe he should think about doing the same but I decided against it.

Why?

[pcgizzmo]

I almost wrote him a letter and told him that years ago Samurai would fall on their own sword before they would dishonor their family and maybe he should think about doing the same but I decided against it.

Why?

Maybe to get through to him? Maybe in hopes he would take a beating or death then put his family through the mess he is put them through?

[pcgizzmo]

OP is just an asset base that the family will tap into via the daughter. This will eventually result in two decisions, one by the wife, one by the OP. I hope the two decisions will be as one.

pcgizzmo, you, the Original Poster, decided to bring this to the forum knowing that it would elicit replies from some grizzled old veterans of life. You should not have done that if you are unwilling to hear their words. They don't give them lightly.

Your situation is an old story, played out millions of times throughout the history of man. It has a pattern and a limited number of potential paths. You must be a man, or else you will be someone's puppet, with everyone but you pulling your strings and pushing your buttons. You will be the leader of your family, guiding them in your ways, or someone else will take on that role for you, leading your family in their ways.

Life veteran's on here have told you hard truths, earned through many years of living and observing without the benefit of rose-colored glasses. You must decide who you are for the benefit of your immediate family. It is not for anyone on this forum.

Will you sell your soul for this Bad Guy brother? Will you surrender your family's safety to placate your wife's parents? Will your wife trade the safety of the family? Will she choose her family over you? These are the really tough questions you face, and we cannot choose. Only you can, and the only comfort that I can offer you is that millions have gone before you, and no matter the choice and outcome, many will have been down that path before you.

My words are harsh, but you are in a tough situation and soft just won't get it done. It's time to "man up" as they say.

I appreciate the advice as hard it may be. I would even give the same advice but I'm not married to an old fashioned woman and as good and sound is your advice and others may be your still on the outside looking in. My options as you put them are:

Cut off all contact from the parents and brother and distance myself from them as long as this continues.

Go to the police and possibly face a gang related hit because of it.

Continue down the same road with my in-laws paying for his in prison habit out of fear and possibly get killed.

I suspect there are a few more options although possibly ending in one of the above situations. I reserve the right to hear them all and explore them just the same. If I were to suggest we cut my wife's family off I would be w/out a wife and my current problems would be over but I would have the new problem of being w/out someone I love.

Being on the outside it's easy to give such advice and as I said, I would give the same but the reality is my wife is not old fashioned and we make our choices together. If I really put my foot down I'm sure I could man handle her into seeing things my way but that would eventually end up in the divorce situation above especially when pertaining to her parents.

[WildBill]

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[VMI77]

Being on the outside it's easy to give such advice...

I don't think you can possibly make the right decision because you're operating off a false assumption: that you can get your in-laws to "come to their senses." I think it's highly likely that only a large dose of reality can bring them to their senses, and that is precisely what you're hoping to avoid. As long as you believe you have the power to bring them to their senses you are deluding yourself into believing you have options that you don't really have. I think you have to start from the assumption that you can't get your in-laws to come to their senses and decide your options on that basis. You can't control what anyone else does; you only have control over what you do. However, I say this realizing that it's no more likely that I or anyone here will change your mind that it is you will change the mind of your in-laws. Good luck. I hope everything turns out well.

[VMI77]

I almost wrote him a letter and told him that years ago Samurai would fall on their own sword before they would dishonor their family and maybe he should think about doing the same but I decided against it.

Why?

Maybe to get through to him? Maybe in hopes he would take a beating or death then put his family through the mess he is put them through?

I think you're making a big mistake by assuming that someone like your BIL has values that are similar to your own. Doesn't his behavior to date demonstrate that he has no such values?

[WildBill]

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[pcgizzmo]

Bottom line: It looks like you should just do what your wife wants to do and be done with it.

That was uncalled for. I've asked for opinions and with that I am reminded that opinions are like ass holes every body has one.

For the record there is not been one bit of advice here that has been offered that I haven't already thought of including he is extorting his parents. My guess this is what he is doing. Yes, I also do appreciate ALL of the advice even yours even though you are now talking like I"m some weak minded hen pecked individual. Just because I'm not willing to tell my wife that she needs to give up all the family she's ever known doesn't make me less of a man or a husband.

[pcgizzmo]

My mother-in-law is a HUGE liberal. My apologies if there are any here. She is the type that feels sorry for the poor prisoners and they can't all be bad type. It really makes me sick to my stomach sometimes but it is what it is and I new this when I married my wife. Thanks...

BTW that is a HUGE insult to your Mother-In-Law. Both "liberals" and "conservatives" can be kind and compassionate towards people. Both can easily fall prey to a manipulating con-artist.

Have I done something to offend you? If so, let me be the first to apologize. If I haven't then what gives with the tone of your emails?

I didn't mean any way other than I rarely see conservatives read (Republicans) standing up for prisoners rights. They mainly assume their all guilty and deserve what they get. In fact she is a member of a prisoner rights organization with hundreds of members and last time I talked w/her 98% of the members were Democrats.

Now, before I get another nasty post from you. I'm not saying Democrats are all liberal or bad people or anything like that. I'm not trying to insult anyone. To each there own. I am MUCH more liberal than my mother and father ever thought about being and I've voted for a democrat in local election a time or two. I also apologized if anyone took offense to what I said it was not intended that way.

[pcgizzmo]

My mother-in-law is a HUGE liberal. My apologies if there are any here. She is the type that feels sorry for the poor prisoners and they can't all be bad type. It really makes me sick to my stomach sometimes but it is what it is and I new this when I married my wife. Thanks...

BTW that is a HUGE insult to your Mother-In-Law. Both "liberals" and "conservatives" can be kind and compassionate towards people. Both can easily fall prey to a manipulating con-artist.

Not to mention she would be happy to be called a liberal. It's not an insult to her. Believes in abortion, womens rights, voted for Obama. She loves the idea of healthcare for all. And I do agree all can be compassionate never said they couldn't. She and I disagree with ALOT but I still care about her as a person and see her good qualities also.

That's all I'm saying about politics. This thread was not about that.