Really bad jokes

[Dragonfighter]

How do describe a male bovine that has swallowed an explosive device? Abominable.

How do you describe the scene after the explosion? Noble.

[Dragonfighter]

Okay, groan warning.

What do you call a dog without legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not coming anyway.

[RPB]

Okay, groan warning.

What do you call a dog without legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not coming anyway.

now you did it ... legs jokes ...


Ok, the professor starts the science experiment using a frog.

He hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 38 inches.

Professor amputates one leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 34 inches.

Professor amputates one more leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 20 inches.


Professor amputates one more leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog jumps 12 inches.


Professor amputates the last leg, and hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog does not jump.

AGAIN he hollars JUMP FROG JUMP ... And, frog does not jump.

Professor writes down:

Conclusion: Frogs can't hear as well with fewer legs, and with no legs, they are completely deaf.

[Carry-a-Kimber]

There’s a story about a security guard at a Russian factory. One day this guard stopped a worker who was walking out of the factory gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The guard opened the package up and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of value.

The same thing happened many days on the trot, until the guard finally said, "OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery - tell me what you are stealing."

"Wheelbarrows," smiled the worker, "I’m stealing wheelbarrows."

[Thomas]

There’s a story about a security guard at a Russian factory. One day this guard stopped a worker who was walking out of the factory gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The guard opened the package up and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of value.

The same thing happened many days on the trot, until the guard finally said, "OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery - tell me what you are stealing."

"Wheelbarrows," smiled the worker, "I’m stealing wheelbarrows."

Clever, very clever.

[Warhammer]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[Diesel42]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his CHL.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

[BobCat]

A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good!" said the teacher.

Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Lucy.

Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[pbwalker]

ooohh!! Limb jokes! This one is *really* bad.

What has 9 arms and stinks?

Def Leppard

[pbwalker]

A baby seal walked into a club....

[Carry-a-Kimber]

A baby seal walked into a club....

Baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender says "What'll it be"
Baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club"

[BobCat]

That's back in the original spirit of this thread... really funny and and I'm ashamed to admit it.

[TxD]

Snow White used her new digital camera to take pictures of all the dwarfs.
When she ran out of memory, she took it to the store to get prints made.
A week later, she returned for the photos, but the clerk said they weren't ready yet.
She was so disappointed that she started to cry.
"Don't worry, Snow White," said the clerk, consoling her.
"Someday your prints will come!"

[solaritx]

Little people called Trids were having problems with a Troll living under a nearby bridge. Trids would walk across the bridge and the Troll would come up and kick the crap out of the Trids. The Trids asked for help from a local Rabbi. The Rabbi came the next morning to the bridge and watched as a Trid went across. Sure enough, the Troll came up and kicked the crap out of the Trid. The Rabbi went across the bridge and nothing happened. The Rabbi came back across and nothing happened. Another Trid went across and got the crap kicked out of him. The Rabbi went to the middle of the bridge and leaned over and asked the Troll….”how come when I go over this bridge nothing happens but when the Trids go across, you kick the crap out of them?” The Troll looked up and said………wait for it…….”Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!!!”