Wife's husband committed suicide

[TrueBlu]

My wife, both of us married previously, absolutely hates anything and everything gun related. She grew up in a family that hunted but she was never too interested. Her previous husband hunted, owned 30 guns, and committed suicide, with a pistol, 10 years ago. So, I have two questions and I need some sound advice...

(1) What is the best way to nicely explain that my two sons, my daughter, and our grandchildren, should not pay for his mistake? Meaning, each time I take any of them to shoot or hunt, we have a long drawn out "discussion" about what we are doing, where, for me to be careful, etc. etc. I know she has a good reason to be worried due to what happened, but I am 52, grown up shooting, hunting, have my CHL, etc. but these discussions are getting very old.

(2) My step son, who is 11, and who I have raised, loves to shoot, has now hunted pigs with me on numerous occasions, and wants to go deer hunting. Just this year do I feel he is ready and, in fact, I am trying to plan a trip for NEXT year for he and I to go to south Texas. Trip would be 3 or 4 days and she says she just can't let us go, as it's "too long for him to be away from his mama". In my opinion, he shouldn't pay for something someone else did. She says she trusts me, but many of her words and her actions, say otherwise. Help on this one too please?

Thank You!!

[RoyGBiv]

There's a huge distinction between someone participating in a sport and someone with mental health issues using a tool (gun) to commit suicide. For whatever reason, your wife is unable to make peace with this difference. Counseling?

Try not to be resentful about her worries. It's ok to be firm, but you should still also be firmly on her side.

"I want to help you to believe that all of us are mentally healthy and have no intention to do ourselves any harm".... or something like that.

I wish you success in this... Grief can be a hard thing to overcome.

[SewTexas]

this isn't a "hate", this is a "fear". there is a difference.
She has voices in her head telling her bad things are going to happen even though she she has you telling her that no bad things are going to happen, the voices in her head are louder or older or more persistent. She may need counseling, I doubt if you use my wording she would appreciate it. But that's honestly what's happening to her.

[allisji]

I grew up with a dad that loved guns and was a CHL holder and carries almost all of the time. My wife grew up in a home that some rifles and shotguns, but wasn't into hunting and shooting, and never really got the guns out.

She's also a little afraid of handguns. I am getting the CHL and she seems to be very anxious about it. She's not ready for me to be carrying concealed in public. I am also trying to figure out how to turn her from being afraid of carrying a loaded weapon to trusting that we will be safe with them and that we will keep our children safe with them. It's hard because she also hates to talk about it. I have to be very careful how I talk about this with her or else she will feel like my desire to carry a firearm for defense is disrespectful due to her personal convictions about our safety.

Hopefully you can be an example to her of safe firearm usage and she will see that you are teaching good habits and skills and responsible behavior to your kids.

[WildBill]

this isn't a "hate", this is a "fear". there is a difference.
She has voices in her head telling her bad things are going to happen even though she she has you telling her that no bad things are going to happen, the voices in her head are louder or older or more persistent. She may need counseling, I doubt if you use my wording she would appreciate it. But that's honestly what's happening to her.

SewTexas - I think that your assessment is probably accurate.

[ELB]

From the vantage point of only knowing what's in your post, I think the "too long for him to be away from his mama" is a dodge to conceal her opposition to doing gun things with your step-son (and good on you for raising him). At least I hope it is a dodge, he is certainly old enough to be going on campouts and such, and he does in fact need to start learning to be able to function from his mama -- especially with his dad along! I remember being homesick as all get out on my first week away from home, at boy scout summer camp, when I was about 11. It was tough, but it is something you need to learn to start learning to deal with at 11, not 18 or 22.

But the bigger issue for the moment is the out-of-balance fear (and it is not just "fear of guns") your wife has. I am assuming she is about the same age as you, early 50s -- that's going to be a tough challenge. It is hard enough to get people who recognize they have an issue to change their emotional mind-set, never mind someone who thinks there is nothing wrong. I really don't know what you do about that. Prayers for one. Perhaps you can consult with a psychologist on how you might approach this. Psychology is a squishy "science" and there is a lot of blarney out there, but there are also people who have good insight to what makes people tick.

[Middle Age Russ]

Allaying the fear and mis-trust your wife has will not be a simple thing. Indeed, your continued discussions with her are proof of this point. She alone will be able to ultimately draw the distinctions between your behaviors and mental status and those of her previous husband, between her perception of guns as a facilitator of bad events and the reality that they can equally facilitate good events (or mitigate against bad ones). Counseling may help her come to these realizations, as may your own continued efforts.

Some suggestions, if I may, of things you might do (if you haven't already) are: 1) invite/include her, and even encourage her to participate when the time is right, in your shooting endeavors so that she can see that they are always conducted safely, 2) float the idea with her about whether additional, industry standard, safety training, say becoming an NRA RSO, would help, and 3) immediately prior to every live-fire or hunting exercise, perform a safety briefing -- including the rules of gun safety, considerations regarding the range or environment, and procedures to follow in the event of any injury -- with all participants and by-standers. If your ingrained firearms safety knowledge and experience are coupled with demonstrated, consistent actions and habits over time, I'm not sure what else you can personally do.

[mojo84]

All I can say is be loving, supportive and understanding of your wife and her feelings. Keep in mind her perspective is different than yours and some empathy will go a long way in this situation.

If given the chance to discuss this when her emotions are not so raw, it may help to discuss that if her husband was committed to committing suicide and couldn't get his hands on a gun he would have done it with his car running in a closed up garage, overdosed on meds, cut his wrists, driven off a bridge, jumped from a bridge, committed suicide by cop, hung him self or any other method available. Then ask her if he would have used one of those methods would she realistically feel the same way towards ropes, cars, garages, knifes, bridges, cops, knives or meds.

She is operating with emotions based upon a bad traumatic experience that has scarred her. Using logic may not be the answer or welcome so be careful. You may have to just sit down with her and both of you acknowledge each others perspective and feelings and agree to not try to change the other's mind going forward. It's hard but it can be done.

[VMI77]

this isn't a "hate", this is a "fear". there is a difference.
She has voices in her head telling her bad things are going to happen even though she she has you telling her that no bad things are going to happen, the voices in her head are louder or older or more persistent. She may need counseling, I doubt if you use my wording she would appreciate it. But that's honestly what's happening to her.

I would think she may also feel a good deal of guilt even though what her husband did was his choice and she is not responsible for it. Guilt and second guessing.

[SewTexas]

this isn't a "hate", this is a "fear". there is a difference.
She has voices in her head telling her bad things are going to happen even though she she has you telling her that no bad things are going to happen, the voices in her head are louder or older or more persistent. She may need counseling, I doubt if you use my wording she would appreciate it. But that's honestly what's happening to her.

I would think she may also feel a good deal of guilt even though what her husband did was his choice and she is not responsible for it. Guilt and second guessing.

trust me, guilt is there.

I went through all of this, on a lessor scale of course, when I was a teen and my boyfriend survive his attempt. I plowed through my fears with the help of an ROTC shooting class and an very understanding officer who saw me shaking like a leaf. This was back when we "didn't talk about those things". Today they would have swarmed our school with counselors, I'm honestly not sure which is worse.

[baldeagle]

I would be firm and tell her you are going on the deer hunting trip with your son. Tell her that you are going to take pictures and video of the experience, and that her son will talk to her every time he returns from the hunt. His excitement should ally her fears. Suggest to her that you would be willing to go to counseling with her to discuss the issue, but you are firm on making the trip. Remind her that you love both her and her son and you would never allow anything bad to happen to him. Point out to her that going on a hunt with your dad is a rite of passage for a young man, and her son has arrived at that age where he's mature enough to understand the risks and enjoy the rewards.

[TrueBlu]

Thank you for all of the advice. All great information and helpful. I do my best to be understanding, but at the same time, I fight not having sympathy for his weakness. He was a felon, former meth addict, then addicted to pain killers, while being a VERY successful business man. All seems so contradictory to me. She does blame herself, she was right around the corner when it happened, they had a big fight not too long before. She has let me take him a few times as I mentioned. She's always scared to death and calls 10 times minimum even on day trips to east Texas. She is a wonderful wife and mom. just fearful and somewhat obsessed with "her baby". I've carried many times when she had no clue, I'd be getting undressed and she's amazed I had a pistol, without her knowing. Of course, she nearly always says, "why would you think you might need a gun?". Whole 'nother discussion I know.

I just keep trying, try to reassure her, let her know the surroundings, what exactly we will be doing, with whom, etc. etc. He always has fun and expresses that to mom. She does get better little by little. I tend to feel as if she doesn't trust me, which I do KNOW isn't the case. It can be tough but I'll continue to baby her along to an extent. Again, thank you for the advice.

[MeMelYup]

Suisidcide is usually caused by depression. She may feel guilty for not recognizing his problem or not having the ability to solve his problem. She may feel the child is susceptible to the same problems. She needs help. How will she be when her son is 19 and off to college. Another thing to think about is that she might be suffering from depression also.

[Pawpaw]

I believe education and familiarity are key. You might try gently (very, very gently) suggesting that she go to the range with you, just the two of you. This will give you the opportunity to teach her just as you have taught your step son. Of course, you would be teaching her all of the safety rules and the reasons beind each one. On the next trip, she could accompany you and your step son to observe how he has taken the rules to heart.

[rotor]

This is a psychiatric problem. The best advice I would give is to seek some kind of professional help. Psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. I know that many are critical of physicians on this forum but this is a medical issue for your wife. Apparently she becomes frantic about this. Seek professional help.