Wife's husband committed suicide

[n5wd]

Another thing you might try is to insist (convince, very gently - whatever works) that she accompany you and your son to the local gun range, not as a participant, but as a witness to your son's ability to handle a handgun/rifle/shotgun safely. In fact, has she ever seen you shoot? Evidence that both parties are handling the firearms safely may help relieve her of some of her anxiety. The guilt she's feeling over her previous husband's death is best dealt with professionally.

[TrueBlu]

She can't be depressed, she has the privilege of being married to me.

She's about as anti-psyciatrist and psychologist as Jeffrey Dahmer. She went to a couple of grief counseling sessions right after it happened and decided she didn't need it. Maybe I'll just get more medication for myself.

Sorry, not making light of my own issue. I truly thank you for the advice folks.

[SewTexas]

good attitude

actually you make me think that there might be a need for a "therapy" field. sort of a counselor, sort of a dealing with your fear of guns, type of thing. I don't know, just thinking "out loud"

[EEllis]

Sounds like a phobia that you have no chance of talking her out of. You will probably only make both of you crazy by trying. What she really probably needs is to talk to a professional to try and work through her issues. While she may be talking to you about guns I bet there is a bunch of other stuff going on.

[bmwrdr]

When I read the subject title my first thought was polyandry.

[sugar land dave]

this isn't a "hate", this is a "fear". there is a difference.
She has voices in her head telling her bad things are going to happen even though she she has you telling her that no bad things are going to happen, the voices in her head are louder or older or more persistent. She may need counseling, I doubt if you use my wording she would appreciate it. But that's honestly what's happening to her.

SewTexas has nailed it.

A woman's feelings can be a powerful force in her life, one that interacts with her intellect shaping her thoughts in ways that men can sometimes have trouble understanding. Be gentle and patient with her; it takes many years for some scars to heal.

[The Annoyed Man]

I believe education and familiarity are key. You might try gently (very, very gently) suggesting that she go to the range with you, just the two of you. This will give you the opportunity to teach her just as you have taught your step son. Of course, you would be teaching her all of the safety rules and the reasons beind each one. On the next trip, she could accompany you and your step son to observe how he has taken the rules to heart.

This is a psychiatric problem. The best advice I would give is to seek some kind of professional help. Psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. I know that many are critical of physicians on this forum but this is a medical issue for your wife. Apparently she becomes frantic about this. Seek professional help.

Actually, both of you are right. The problem is not just her fear and codependent manipulations, it is the codependent behavior she will instill in her son as he begins to narrow his own options in life by whether or not they frighten his mother, rather than whether or not they are good choices for him. He'll begin living to satisfy a standard he can never attain.....the totally risk-free man who keeps his mother from fearing. Can't be done, but it WILL screw him up.

It sounds to me like she needs to get herself into a 12 step recovery program or something similar for people who are trying to recover from life's various traumas. As an 8 year participant now, I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ-centered, faith-based 12 step program. We have people who come for reasons of substance abuse addiction, sexual addictions, divorce recovery, anxiety, grief, codependency, eating disorders/addictions, depression, and so on. When I first joined CR, I was trying to recover from the suicide of my close friend and employer, and the fallout that was having on my life. That fallout included pent up anger, and control-freak issues. But those were just symptoms. CR helped me to get to the bottom of what was causing those symptoms, and to find serenity in life. It also was a big part in my maturation as a Christian. It may not be for your wife, but she'll never know if she doesn't try it out......and they won't care if she's a believer right now or not.

My 2¢. YMMV.

[uthornsfan]

Necropost!

Nice work TAM ;)

[The Annoyed Man]

Necropost!

Nice work TAM ;)

That's weird..... someone must have deleted a post. I only responded because it showed up in my "Active Threads" list. Bizarre......

[GlassG19]

I'm sure she does have guilt & blames herself for his death.
My biological dad committed suicide when I was 6 yrs old & around the time of 12yrs old my
(MY MOM R.I.P 1/28/16)
would actually tell me she blamed herself & had a tremendous amount of guilt for his death. Even though she remarried she would just brake down crying if my own bumps in life got tough & she would just start apologizing to me for my bio dad not being here.
Me not remembering my youth before the age of 5,, & since my mom blamed herself, I also blamed her until I was about the age of 15.

It truly took years (25 plus) for my mom to come to realization that it was not her fault. She told me this but I had a huge suspicion that she just would tell me that to make me happy but still carried guilt.

I also was raised by a step dad which if it weren't for him, I'm not sure I would have the many good values that I have also passed onto my kids.
I'm sorry to say that it will be a very very long road for you & her with this extremely traumatic event. Be patient with her & y'all will get thru it.
Best wishes...

[carlson1]

If you are going to seek help outside your Clergy I would be very careful because many Psychiatrist and like have a hatred for firearms themselves. It may just cause more problems.

As some have already said it is probably fear more than hate. She probably has a lot of guilt that has never been dealt with. If you are active in your church your preacher could be a huge help.

[Jusme]

I agree with most of the replies you have received, but it not only sounds like a fear of firearms but a separation anxiety with her son. I don't have a similar issue to relate regarding suicide, but I know first hand the anxiety my wife felt regarding our son and him being gone overnight or even longer. My son started in Scouting as a Tiger cub, at age 6, he was able to cross over into Boy Scouts at 10-1/2 and is only awaiting his Board of Revue to be awarded his Eagle. However, my wife was very afraid anytime he left (even with me along) for an overnight camp out, and was a nervous wreck the week leading up to summer camp. as a result, he was sometimes hesitant to express to her his enjoyment of the events, and it left her with the impression, that he was not enjoying these activities, and even spoke with him in private to discourage him from going. I knew better because I accompanied him on 90% of his trips, and watched him become so proficient in everything outdoor related. So to shorten the post, I believe that if your wife projects her fears onto your stepson, this may have far reaching complications for him in the future, It took a lot of convincing on my part and even dragging my wife along on camp outs ( she would often stay in a nearby motel at night) so she could see exactly how safe and controlled the camp outs were and also see the enjoyment our son was actually having, for her to at least not voice all of her concerns to our son. It will take patience, which I'm sure you have already exercised a great amount, but encourage your stepson, to be honest with his mother regarding his enjoyment of shooting sports, whenever the topic comes up.

[android]

Thank you for all of the advice. All great information and helpful. I do my best to be understanding, but at the same time, I fight not having sympathy for his weakness. He was a felon, former meth addict, then addicted to pain killers, while being a VERY successful business man. All seems so contradictory to me. She does blame herself, she was right around the corner when it happened, they had a big fight not too long before. She has let me take him a few times as I mentioned. She's always scared to death and calls 10 times minimum even on day trips to east Texas. She is a wonderful wife and mom. just fearful and somewhat obsessed with "her baby". I've carried many times when she had no clue, I'd be getting undressed and she's amazed I had a pistol, without her knowing. Of course, she nearly always says, "why would you think you might need a gun?". Whole 'nother discussion I know.

I just keep trying, try to reassure her, let her know the surroundings, what exactly we will be doing, with whom, etc. etc. He always has fun and expresses that to mom. She does get better little by little. I tend to feel as if she doesn't trust me, which I do KNOW isn't the case. It can be tough but I'll continue to baby her along to an extent. Again, thank you for the advice.

Does she somehow still believe that the suicide was an "accident?" It seems to me she still sees it as accidental and therefore you or your son could have a similar "accident." Perhaps she need to get some help to decouple the deliberate act of suicide from the very unlikely possibility of an accident that you take every precaution to prevent.

Just a thought... I'm not a mental health professional or anything.

[TomsTXCHL]

When you lose a loved one in this way, making suicide suddenly a very real and very personal thing, it does also become an option. An option for the survivor that didn't perhaps exist before or ever situationally presented itself. Your wife can see it now in herself, and she fears for it for the rest of you.

There may be nothing you can do about her discomfort, as it is unlikely to leave her ever, not if she lives to be 120. I can guarantee you that after just 10 years she still thinks about it every single day (at least).

If you haven't already, you might consider discussing this with a professional yourself, who will give you advice and perhaps help as well with "her baby" who is getting to be old enough to think about the trauma his Mom went through and might help by displaying a maturity of his own re: hunting and firearms handling.