Really bad jokes

[Carry-a-Kimber]

How do you keep a CHLer in suspense?
I'll tell ya'll tomorrow.

[Warhammer]

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck and says, "Gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[mikeintexas]

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one asked the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I was going to post that one! But I found another:

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

[Dan20703]

I just couldn't understand why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.............Then it hit me!

[Warhammer]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's not unusual."

[WildBill]

This is an old Woody Allen joke:

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and asks the doctor if he can cure her husband.
The shrink asks, "What is his problem?"
She says, "My husband thinks he's a chicken."
The doctor asks, "How long has this been going on?"
She says, "For about five years."
He asks the woman, "Why did you wait so long to come see me?"
She answers, "Because, we needed the eggs."

[WildBill]

There was this guy who had some pet penguins. One day he decided to take them out for a ride so he put them in the back seat of his convertible and started driving around town.

A policeman saw the car with the penguins in the backseat, so he turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. He approached the car and told the driver, "You can't be driving penguins around like that. You need to take them to the zoo."

The driver promised the officer that he would, and then drove off.

Two days later the policeman spots the same convertible driving down the street. This time he sees the penguins in the back seat, all of them wearing sunglasses. The cop lights them up again and pulls them over to the side of the road.

The officer is really mad as he approaches the car. He tells the driver, "I thought I told you to take them penguins to the zoo!"

The driver replied "Officer, I really want to thank you. Yesterday I took them to the zoo and they had such a great time that today we are going to the beach."

[WildBill]

An old Phyllis Diller joke:

My husband is a real "do-it-yourselfer."
I asked him to fix the washing machine and he said, "Do it yourself."

[WildBill]

And from Rodney Dangerfield:

After dinner one night, my wife asked me to take out the garbage.
I told her, "You cooked it, you take it out."

[BobCat]

Ouch!

The penguins were great though.

[Warhammer]

A duck is standing next to a road about to cross, when a chicken comes running up.
"Wait! Wait! You don't want to do it, buddy!" says the chicken. "Believe me, you'll hear about it for years!"

[Warhammer]

Q. What's pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.


Q. What's blue and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath.

[WildBill]

Q: What has six teeth and 150 legs?
A: The front row at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert.

[Warhammer]

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black in the car. Suddenly, a loud SMACK is heard. When the train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The Swedish girl thinks, "I bet he tried to grope me and accidentally got the old woman and she slapped him."

The Dutch woman thinks, "He must have groped the Swedish girl and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks, "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl and she accidentally slapped me."

And the Irishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

[Warhammer]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Rimini!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."