Help with wife

[Charles L. Cotton]

All that to say this:
There is a lot for women to "unlearn" about society's norms and expectations of what a "girl" or "lady" -- should and shouldn't do. We our teach girls to be polite and we teach them to be victims.

We don't live in a world of "what if" anymore -- we live in a world of "what IS" happening. She needs to be prepared.

So sad, yet so true. Someone who understands my quest to get more women involved, trained and prepared.

Thanks for a great post!

Chas.

[swiven]

As I see it, the problem here is not convincing your wife to get a CHL, but you carrying with yours. I suspect that you’d like her to get one, but I refer you to Cornered Cat’s article titled “How to Get Your Wife to Hate Guns.� She puts it way better than I can. Remember that your wife’s CHL is a separate issue from whether or not you carry.

The first question about your carry is “Is this a relationship breaker to either of us?� If your wife refuses to allow you to carry, will this eventually make you so unhappy that it ends the relationship? If you continue to carry, will it eventually make her unhappy enough to end the relationship?

If either of you answer “yes,� then this is something that needs to be communicated now, at the outset. Pretending that an issue is not a relationship breaker will not make it go away.

If she answers yes, then you need to decide what to do from there. Possibly you can allow her to win the battle at this time, and bring up the issue again in a few months. This is a strategy that my husband uses with great success on me. When he brings it up the second time, it makes me realize that the issue really is important to him. And since he followed my wishes the first time, I can trust that he will listen to my concerns and respond appropriately to them.

If your answer is yes, you need to communicate that to her as well. DO NOT say something like “Let me carry my guns or I am divorcing you.� If my husband said that, I’d tell where he could go, even if his ultimatum was “let me buy you flowers and chocolate every week.� Instead, explain to her that this is very important to you. Say that you understand that she has concerns, but this is something that you feel you need to do for yourself, and that you are going to do it. Phrase it in terms of your needs, since she does not at this time see that you are doing it for her as well, so those considerations are not persuasive to her. She loves you and wants you to be happy. Explain to her how this will make you happier, and ask her to accept this foible of yours out of love for you.

Ask her if there is anything you can do short of ceasing to carry that will make her more comfortable. For instance, in your post, you said that she was concerned with the size of your gun and it’s positioning. If she asks you to carry a smaller one or one in a different place, agree. Then, in a few months, ask her if you can try carrying your preferred piece again or OWB again. Explain to her that you feel more comfortable this way, but that you respect her feelings and wishes.

If you just can’t live with a non-optimal carry, even for a few months while your wife gets used to the idea, you need to communicate that as well. I strongly suggest that you try to find some area that you can compromise with her on (places you carry, maybe?) so that she has tangible proof that her concerns are important to you.

I STRONGLY suggest that you DO NOT carry when you have told her (or even implied to her) that you are not carrying. This makes you a liar, and untrustworthy in her eyes. Lying to your spouse is a bad, bad idea, even if it’s for their own good. Your spouse should be someone you trust implicitly, and they should feel the same about you. Convenient lies are an excellent way to destroy this trust, and it is so easy for your spouse to make you when you are carrying concealed that you are almost certain to be found out eventually.

Note that none of this suggests how to get your wife to agree that carrying is a good idea. I have no idea how to do that, and, in fact, she may never agree that it is a good idea. Hopefully it will be enough that she will allow you to carry because she loves you and realizes how important it is to you.

[chewy555]

swiven thanks for your post. I have asked her if I were to carry something smaller if she would be ok with it, and so far she still says no. I see your point about not carring anything when with her. I have in the past carried a smaller gun, but made sure that she did not see me when I geared up or geared down.
I have not said anything to her about it this week as I try to get some info from you all and from news stories. I think that I am going to give it another week or two before I bring it up again,like you said swiven, if I give her time where I dont talk to her about it she may be more open to it.

Charles, thanks for the link to the Women & Guns forum. I have not had a chance to read anything in there yet, but will this week.

Thanks to all who have given my ideas, and if anyone else thinks of anything else please send it. As I feel this is going to be a long battle for me.

[RubenZ]

Stage a stickup.

Have a friend go mug you guys one day LOL.

[LedJedi]

Stage a stickup.

Have a friend go mug you guys one day LOL.

Badguy: This is a stickup! Gimme your wallet Susan! NOW!

Wife: Wait a minute, how did you know my name?

[Mage34]

Stage a stickup.

Have a friend go mug you guys one day LOL.

Badguy: This is a stickup! Gimme your wallet Susan! NOW!

Wife: Wait a minute, how did you know my name?

Or even worse....she really can take care of herself and she beats up your friend......

[seamusTX]

Or even worse....she really can take care of herself and she beats up your friend......

Yep.

I vaguely remember reading about a guy got some friends to "mug" him so he could impress a girl. Someone intervened, unaware that it was a stunt; and several people got hurt and or arrested.

Sorry I can't remember the details.

- Jim

[Wildscar]

Stage a stickup.

Have a friend go mug you guys one day LOL.

Badguy: This is a stickup! Gimme your wallet Susan! NOW!

Wife: Wait a minute, how did you know my name?

Or even worse....she really can take care of herself and she beats up your friend......

One thing you can count on if you go this route is your going to get beat by your wife when it all comes to light that it was a staged mugging.

[Mage34]

Stage a stickup.

Have a friend go mug you guys one day LOL.

Badguy: This is a stickup! Gimme your wallet Susan! NOW!

Wife: Wait a minute, how did you know my name?

Or even worse....she really can take care of herself and she beats up your friend......

One thing you can count on if you go this route is your going to get beat by your wife when it all comes to light that it was a staged mugging.

Must sleep with one eye open.......

[chewy555]

I dont think that would be a good idea for my wife. In fact I think that it would set things back even more then they are now. She would flip when it was over and I did not call the police to report it. Plus it goes back to not lying to her.

[LedJedi]

ultimately man, it sounds like you're in a stalemate position (trust me, i've been there). I'm guessing that just about anything you say wont' have much influence. She probably needs to hear it from someone else she views as an authority on the subject.

i would definitely point her to cornered cat. http://www.corneredcat.com/TOC.aspx

[RubenZ]

If I may sidetrack this thread a bit. It's sort of on the same lines.


But to those of you who have a wife that is neutral on the carry issue. Meaning she would prefer you didn't but is ok with you doing it. How long did it take them to get used to you have a weapon on your side? My fiance likes to hug me or hold me a lot in public and I'm just wondering what steps I should take to training her or getting her used to me having it.

[Mage34]

If I may sidetrack this thread a bit. It's sort of on the same lines.


But to those of you who have a wife that is neutral on the carry issue. Meaning she would prefer you didn't but is ok with you doing it. How long did it take them to get used to you have a weapon on your side? My fiance likes to hug me or hold me a lot in public and I'm just wondering what steps I should take to training her or getting her used to me having it.

HA....been married 10 years and the best advice I can give is GIVE UP THE TRAINING IDEA....it ain't going to happen...

[Nazrat]

My favorite memory along these lines is the time that I was in the Marine Corps. I was in my fifth year in the Corps and had been married for 3 years. I had served in Desert Storm/Shield. I was stationed in Norfolk, VA in the Marine Security Forces there. I was serving as Sergeant of the Guard and, thus, was armed at all times with my M9 Beretta and all the other equipment on my duty belt.

My wife came to the barracks for some reason like bringing me food or a forgotten uniform or something else equally significant. I was walking her back to her car and she kept looking at my waist in a quizzical manner. It took me awhile to figure out that she was staring at my sidearm. I asked her why she was staring at it when she knew that I was infantry and had been carrying and shooting in the Marine Corps for 5 years. Her response was that she never saw me armed before that moment. It took her quite a while to realize that I was wearing the Marine Corps version of the carpenter's tool belt and that there was really nothing special about carrying that equipment except for the increased responsibility.

When I wanted to carry concealed this year, my wife had no problem with it as she has had more than 12 years to realize that carrying a weapon is something that I am capable of and there is no danger to her only the benefit of added security.

Now, my wife has zero interest in going to the range or learning to shoot. However, she supports me in my efforts. Sometimes, that is all you can ask.

[Hoppes]

Jedi and Anygun,
Thanks for the insight.
I will try to get her to look at cornerdcat.com.
I will also print out some news clippings about CHL holders defending themselves and others.
I just hope that she will read them.

Can you have her to read some or all of the following books? There is some good common sense information and accounts that might help her accept your desire to carry, or at least think up questions that you can answer for her to mutual benefit.

1. Thank God I Had A Gun - True Account of Self-Defense. Chris Bird. Privateer Publications. San Antonio, Texas. Copyright 2007 by Chris Bird.

2. The Concealed Handgun Manual - How To Choose, Carry, And Shoot a Gun In Self Defense. Fourth Edition. Chris Bird. Privateer Publications. San Antonio, Texas. Copyright 2006 by Chris Bird.

3. Effective Handgun Defense - A Comprehensive Guide to Concealed Carry. Frank James. KP Books, An Imprint of F+W Publications, Inc. Iola, WI. Copyright 2004 by Frank W. James.

If she has time to read these books, maybe she can come up with some questions that you can answer to help her put her mind at ease. One thing you want to do though is make sure she decides that carry is OK. Any other way is not a win-win.

Hoppes