A-R,
Hopefully you have found a good self-defense course for you and your wife by now. I studied Okinawan Shobayashi Shorin-ryu karate, an Okinawan style, for a number of years. Through all of the years I trained, I never once entered a tournament, as that wasn't my purpose for studying. It seems you have received a lot of good advice from your fellow forumers here.
A couple of things that I may add, although others, or yourself, may disagree:
1. I wouldn't be so eager, IMHO, to discount the use of kata, or forms, in your training routine. It is simply a series of movements, or techniques, performed together. Through repetition and visualization, these movements will become second-nature to you, of which you can pull bits and pieces out, to be used in sparring or in a self defense scenario.
2. Choose a school that isn't so eager to sign you to a long-term contract. They have to have money to 'keep the doors open', of course, but make sure that the money isn't their driving force. Many schools will allow you to sit-in or participate in some classes before joining, to make sure it is the right fit for y'all.
3. If you find someone that isn't completely pro-gun, yet they have good instruction, then take the instruction. IMO, you don't always have to agree with someone in order to learn something from them.
Just my 2 cents, hope some of this may help...
