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bigbang wrote: Back on topic, we were talking about spouses. I think there's an insurable interest there.

Jim

It sounds like a bad situation but I'm not sure what a background check will find. If I lived with someone for more than 20 years I think I would notice if they spent a night in jail instead of coming home.

She is more concerned about what he may have done before they even knew each other. That is the part of his life he is most tight-lipped about. And as for knowing if your spouse is doing bad things...I learned first hand a spouse can indeed hide a whole nother life from you quite well and yet act as if he is quite the angel. This holds true for either sex. I've heard my share of stories of guy who married the wrong woman too. Giving your spouse trust only works out when that person really is trustworthy. Otherwise, it is used against you. This guy has done a long list of things that boggle my mind that she did not take as very loud signs she needed to protect herself in several ways.

sounds to me like maybe she needs to get out. THEN she could do some research on the guy.

SewTexas wrote:sounds to me like maybe she needs to get out. THEN she could do some research on the guy.

No argument from this corner. But she is so invested after 20 years, she is hoping to figure out a way to avoid divorce. It has to be her decision and she has to live with it. We talked again and she is less upset than she was. Sounded like she was talking herself out of thinking the worst was possible. I am just helping her gather whatever information she can find to help her. Someone is running a background for her (thank you!) and I have advised her to get copies of her credit reports and her tax returns to see if anything shows up that she is not aware of. It is a sad state of a marriage when a spouse has to go to such lengths to get answers to stuff that should be openly discussed between the two. I passed the idea along that was offered on how she could find an attorney. That's about all I think can be done. Everyone who has responded to this thread has been helpful and caring. This forum is blessed with so many good folks. I appreciate you.

TexasGal wrote:No argument from this corner. But she is so invested after 20 years, she is hoping to figure out a way to avoid divorce. It has to be her decision and she has to live with it. We talked again and she is less upset than she was. Sounded like she was talking herself out of thinking the worst was possible. I am just helping her gather whatever information she can find to help her. Someone is running a background for her (thank you!) and I have advised her to get copies of her credit reports and her tax returns to see if anything shows up that she is not aware of. It is a sad state of a marriage when a spouse has to go to such lengths to get answers to stuff that should be openly discussed between the two. I passed the idea along that was offered on how she could find an attorney. That's about all I think can be done. Everyone who has responded to this thread has been helpful and caring. This forum is blessed with so many good folks. I appreciate you.

And therein lies the major rub. When you marry someone it can be assumed that you made a large investment in the relationship to start with, and continued to invest for some time, and then when the returns started diminishing, if there were ever any to begin with, it became very hard to abandon the original investment. Finding out that one's "trusted" spouse was taking out insurance on one's self without your knowledge could be an indicator that it is time to fold the hand.

I won't go into details but I was married to a woman for 14 years and found out that she not only was married before (which I didn't know) but was still married. So they can hide their past for a long time but it eventually will come out.

RPBrown wrote:I won't go into details but I was married to a woman for 14 years and found out that she not only was married before (which I didn't know) but was still married. So they can hide their past for a long time but it eventually will come out.

When my grandfather died in 1970, after being married to my grandmother since 1918, she suddenly discovered that he had been married in 1913 and widowed in 1914. He never mentioned it to her. Apparently, according to other family members alive at the time, the death of his first wife was why he ran away and joined the Army to begin with. Started as a private and worked his way up to Brigadier General.

My grandmother hid the fact that she was several years older than my grandfather until he passed away. It wasn't until she applied for social security benefits that we found out her birthdate on their marriage license was different than her birth certificate.

TexasGal wrote:No argument from this corner. But she is so invested after 20 years, she is hoping to figure out a way to avoid divorce. It has to be her decision and she has to live with it. We talked again and she is less upset than she was. Sounded like she was talking herself out of thinking the worst was possible. I am just helping her gather whatever information she can find to help her. Someone is running a background for her (thank you!) and I have advised her to get copies of her credit reports and her tax returns to see if anything shows up that she is not aware of. It is a sad state of a marriage when a spouse has to go to such lengths to get answers to stuff that should be openly discussed between the two. I passed the idea along that was offered on how she could find an attorney. That's about all I think can be done. Everyone who has responded to this thread has been helpful and caring. This forum is blessed with so many good folks. I appreciate you.

I can understand that, I guess. I'm sorry she's having to go through it.

Who cares about life insurance. Your friend needs to get out of the situation, and I think you're going to find it an act of frustration when she convinces herself not to. This is someone who sounds like he's been a thug from day one, and only now she's deciding to up and leave? $5000 isn't much of an insurance policy, so she probably feels financially trapped. There are bigger issues to address. I wouldn't care about what he's done. Just get out.

I'm with Chris; "talking herself out of thinking the worst" sounds like rationalization, and how many women are in emotionally abusive relationships for worry of being without a man. Sorry I know it sounds chauvinistic but men know each other and many (most?) of us are pigs!

Please be careful yourself! This husband sounds like he could be dangerous, not only to her but to you as well. Make sure you are the safe quiet friend. By that I mean, stay out of his sight, don't let him see texts or emails from you. He may think you are interfering and may target you if she does disappear into a shelter. He may come looking for you seeing as you caused him to lose his investment.

I'm not trying to nag, just want YOU to think of yourself as well. Plus, what if she stays with him for years to come? I totally understand your desire to help and admire you for it. I just want you to stay out of his radar.

CHLLady wrote:Please be careful yourself! This husband sounds like he could be dangerous, not only to her but to you as well. Make sure you are the safe quiet friend. By that I mean, stay out of his sight, don't let him see texts or emails from you. He may think you are interfering and may target you if she does disappear into a shelter. He may come looking for you seeing as you caused him to lose his investment.

I'm not trying to nag, just want YOU to think of yourself as well. Plus, what if she stays with him for years to come? I totally understand your desire to help and admire you for it. I just want you to stay out of his radar.

Jim