Geek Jokes

[Warhammer]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)

[WildBill]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Pretty much all true.

[Warhammer]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Pretty much all true.

If anyone has ever worked for the gub'ment, they've heard all of those WAY too many times.

[Bart]

Like terryg said, 1 is an odd number but not a prime number. It's also the loneliest number.


The physicist and the engineer go for a ride in a a hot-air balloon and get lost.
They see a man walking below and shout, "Hello! Where are we?"
The man shouts back, "You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The engineer says, "That must have been our friend the mathematician."
The physicist asks, "Why do you say that?"
"Because the answer was correct but completely useless."

[Hoi Polloi]

Like terryg said, 1 is an odd number but not a prime number. It's also the loneliest number.


The physicist and the engineer go for a ride in a a hot-air balloon and get lost.
They see a man walking below and shout, "Hello! Where are we?"
The man shouts back, "You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The engineer says, "That must have been our friend the mathematician."
The physicist asks, "Why do you say that?"
"Because the answer was correct but completely useless."

Ah ha ha! I heard it like this:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and shouts to a man below: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[terryg]

The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."

[terryg]

This one is awesome:

Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT31=DEC25

[apostate]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.



What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
|elephant||banana|sin(theta)

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with Sir Edmund Hillary?
Don't be silly. You can't cross a vector and a scalar!

[terryg]

Similar to the traffic stop joke that started all of this:

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost...

[OldSchool]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Alternatives:

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We already have their money.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (Start packing up your desk.)

The project is in process. (We have more important things to do right now.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (Our headcount is shrinking faster than we can come up with a new plan.)

We're following the standard. (..if we could find it.)

Close project coordination. (We locked the project leads in a conference room until they play nice.)

Years of development. (It was put on the street before it was finished, and we've been fixing it since then.)

Energy saving. (The fuses blow every third time it's turned on.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (Our competitors already have it on the street.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (We spent all of our R&D money on something no one understands.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We gave it to the advertising group.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (We couldn't get it to turn on.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (We had the fire out in only 30 seconds.)

Please read and initial. (We know you won't have time to read it, but you'll be on the hook anyway.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (..and it better not be something about us!)

Tell us your interpretation. (...before we reassign you.)

We'll look into it. (Where's that intern?)

No maintenance. (90-day warranty.)

Low maintenance. (60-day warranty.)

All new. (The previous design was so bad we couldn't save anything from it.)

Rugged. (It has no moving parts -- but then, it's just a computer!)

Robust. (It contains all of the hype we can pack into it!)

Light weight. (We took out half of the functional parts.)

Fax it to me. (...so the entire office can laugh at it.)

I haven't gotten your email. (...since I have your address in my spam filter.)

[terryg]

A farmer has problems with his chickens: all of the sudden, they are all getting very sick. After trying all conventional means, he calls a physist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The physist trys. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."

[pbwalker]