background check and lawyer needed

[TexasGal]

Sage advice. I am keeping a low profile. I have only spoken to her by phone. No email. And I don't leave messages that contain anything but a request to call me back.
Of course if he has her phone line bugged, it's out of the bag. That's one reason I advised her to get her own cell.

I know better than to get between. It's her choice of what she wants to do. I respect that.

[CHLLady]

Sage advice. I am keeping a low profile. I have only spoken to her by phone. No email. And I don't leave messages that contain anything but a request to call me back.
Of course if he has her phone line bugged, it's out of the bag. That's one reason I advised her to get her own cell.

I know better than to get between. It's her choice of what she wants to do. I respect that.

Great! That's a relief that you are watching out for yourself as well. A second cell is a great idea. It worked for Katie Holmes, that's how she escaped Tom Cruise.

[SewTexas]

Sage advice. I am keeping a low profile. I have only spoken to her by phone. No email. And I don't leave messages that contain anything but a request to call me back.
Of course if he has her phone line bugged, it's out of the bag. That's one reason I advised her to get her own cell.

I know better than to get between. It's her choice of what she wants to do. I respect that.

good, you be careful

[WildBill]

No argument from this corner. But she is so invested after 20 years, she is hoping to figure out a way to avoid divorce. It has to be her decision and she has to live with it. We talked again and she is less upset than she was. Sounded like she was talking herself out of thinking the worst was possible. I am just helping her gather whatever information she can find to help her. Someone is running a background for her (thank you!) and I have advised her to get copies of her credit reports and her tax returns to see if anything shows up that she is not aware of. It is a sad state of a marriage when a spouse has to go to such lengths to get answers to stuff that should be openly discussed between the two. I passed the idea along that was offered on how she could find an attorney. That's about all I think can be done. Everyone who has responded to this thread has been helpful and caring. This forum is blessed with so many good folks. I appreciate you.

IANAL or therapist/ counselor and I don't know either the woman or man. I only know the woman's side of the story through from a third party. Assuming that the woman's version is accurate, just the fact that she thinks that she needs an investigation of her husband and lives in constant fear is enough reason to leave. I know that it is her decision, but I would not live for very long under such circumstances.

[TexasGal]

She lives mostly under a dome of ignorance and lack of respect he imposes on her. She doesn't want a divorce, she wants a more normal relationship with her husband. I have to hand it to her for being determined. The fear she feels seems to be mostly from not knowing what he really has in mind for her and their future because he simply will not tell her.

After further conversations, I think she seems to have convinced herself that he would not have had anything to do criminally with the girl's death decades ago. Me personally...I don't know the guy. I met him a few times. I have no way to judge. She just has always behaved as a kind, gentle, caring, and patient person. A very classy lady. I've known her casually for several years. I don't know if the guy would plot her demise, but he does some pretty intolerable things that would seriously strain any marital relationship. I know a lot of what she has described would make me blow a gasket, but then people don't all have "normal" marriages. She has to figure out what she is willing to put up with or not and have a measure of peace with the decision of leaving or staying.

I have another friend in her mid 50's who left her chronically cheating spouse a few years ago. Her life is a pretty terrible struggle every day at a low paying hourly job she is always terrified of losing. One day she told me if it wasn't for her co-workers bringing food to work to share, she would not have lunch to eat during 10 hour shifts. She has to take a lot of pain medication to work with bum knees and sciatic pain in her hip. The fact is leaving doesn't always lead to a better life elsewhere especially for women over 55 and no good job prospects or nest egg to start over with.

[TomsTXCHL]

The fear she feels seems to be mostly from not knowing what he really has in mind for her and their future because he simply will not tell her.

Reminds me of the great line from the movie Blade Runner: "Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave."

[WildBill]

I have another friend in her mid 50's who left her chronically cheating spouse a few years ago. Her life is a pretty terrible struggle every day at a low paying hourly job she is always terrified of losing. One day she told me if it wasn't for her co-workers bringing food to work to share, she would not have lunch to eat during 10 hour shifts. She has to take a lot of pain medication to work with bum knees and sciatic pain in her hip. The fact is leaving doesn't always lead to a better life elsewhere especially for women over 55 and no good job prospects or nest egg to start over with.

It's hard on women at any age. It wouldn't surprise me if your friend's husband was cheating in her mid 30's. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to the breaking point.

[jmra]

I might need a fire suit for this but here we go anyway.
If I were dealing with this woman I would start to become very skeptical of any information that I could not collaborate. Take a step back and try to read through this thread as an uninvolved third party and tell me how many red flags you see with this woman's story. So far we have been painted a picture of a guy who could be insane, possibly a murderer, and is hiding unimaginable secrets from his wife of 20 years.
Everything this woman is saying could be true or she could be delusional herself. You are only getting one side of the story and, as you stated previously, you really don't know this guy. If you were betting percentages, there are many more delusional people out there than there are murderers. This maybe a simple matter of meds needing to be adjusted or meds that aren't being taken as prescribed.
One of the most common reasons a person would have a long term power of attorney on a spouse is a history of mental illness. Perhaps the things that he does that seem to be controlling and oppressive to an outsider are done as an act of love and compassion in order to protect her from herself.
Is what I have suggested probable? I would say its just as probable as her story is, if not more so.
All I'm saying is to be careful and keep an open mind to different possibilities. I can't tell you how many times in 47 years as a pastor my father discovered that the person who came to him for help needed very different help than what they were seeking.

BTW, in discussing this thread with my wife she reminded me that she selected a very large amount of accidental death coverage on me through her work insurance plan without my prior knowledge and it did not require my signature. She assures me that she is not planning my untimely demise.

[WildBill]

I might need a fire suit for this but here we go anyway.

I don't know any of the involved parties, so no suit needed on my account.

[TexasGal]

(selected snippets)
... So far we have been painted a picture of a guy who could be insane, possibly a murderer, and is hiding unimaginable secrets from his wife of 20 years.

Everything this woman is saying could be true or she could be delusional herself. You are only getting one side of the story and, as you stated previously, you really don't know this guy.....

One of the most common reasons a person would have a long term power of attorney on a spouse is a history of mental illness.....

I hear what you are saying. I am not beyond being gullible, but I'm a lot less gullible than I used to be

In answer to the first snippet: That is the extreme interpretation. The fact is he once was a person involved with a triangle romantic interest that ended up with a young woman deceased and it was unsolved. That is all she even knows and she does not think he is a murderer. She just felt uncomfortable with his choosing to tell her on their wedding night and has never really forgotten it. She was upset when we first talked because she had just found out he had spent several thousand buying a used car for some woman she does not even know and a brand new car for himself without her knowledge among other things. Between the two, that is a lot of money to spend without your spouse's knowledge. He had her convinced they had to save every single penny for retirement. She has severe limits on how much she can use for groceries and other things even before her recent retirement. I mean stupid amounts. My red flags went up over the unsolved murder when she initially told me about it hence my OP. Since then, she has calmed and begun to realize from the things he is doing that he has changed direction on sharing his retirement with her. I don't think his secrets are unimaginable. I think they are pretty plain---at least to me. She is still looking through rose colored glasses to some degree. My concern that she may be in danger is now 99% relieved after some investigation. But I do wonder what he will behave like if a divorce were to take a serious bite out of his control and the marital worth he is so protective of.

As for me only getting one side: That is true for the most part. I also know several people this couple has socialized with for over a decade. I heard stories before from more than one of them over the past 10 years of his being a throwback to the days when wives were for purposes that did not include thinking for themselves or asking for equality. I just do not know him personally. In the balance sheet of things I have been told from trusted sources, I am ready to believe he has some issues that have largely contributed to where the marriage has landed.

As for the power of attorney: The guy has handled every cent in their marriage from the beginning. He does a lot of moving of investments and money and using credit to maximize every return. That could be because he is one smart cookie for making money or he likes to run a shell game with it. She does not know. Long ago, he convinced her the power of attorney was needed. I said she was kind, caring, and patient. I didn't say she was smart when it comes to knowing when to just say "heck" no. She is naive but she is certainly not mentally ill. I have known her a long time well enough to see that. I am not just swallowing everything she says as if it is the only interpretation of the situation. His unwillingness to just talk to her leaves her trying to figure out his games on her own so her interpretations could be way off base. I learned by experience just how far from reality one side's claims can be. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. My only concern was and is for whether or not she is safe and just being a friend whatever she decides to do about the issues.

This thread has taken on way more life than I would have imagined. As I said before, I am always impressed with the caring of the people on this forum. Ya'll are alright

[TexasGal]

The fear she feels seems to be mostly from not knowing what he really has in mind for her and their future because he simply will not tell her.

Reminds me of the great line from the movie Blade Runner: "Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave."

Possibly the best way I have ever heard it described.