Geek Jokes

[OldSchool]

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Excellent!

[WildBill]

I was told an extended verision of this joke today by an engineer at work.

Heisenberg was driving down the street one day, going a little too fast.
A cop pulls him over and asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
The cop replied, "You were going 80 miles per hour, in a 40 mile zone!"
Heisenberg said, "Well in that case, I'm totally lost. I will have to pull
over a policeman and ask for directions."

[WildBill]

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Excellent!

[TLE2]

Actuary jokes (yes, I are one).

How to find an actuary at a party? Find a group of bored people. The one talking is the actuary.

How do you tell an introverted actuary from an extrovert? The extrovert stares at your shoes.

An engineer, a chemist and an actuary when bird hunting. The first bird popped up and the engineer shot missing to the left, the chemist shot and missed to the right. The actuary exclaimed "You got 'em!".

Did you hear about the actuary that drowned crossing a river with an average depth of 3 feet?

[WildBill]

Actuary jokes (yes, I are one).

How to find an actuary at a party? Find a group of bored people. The one talking is the actuary.

How do you tell an introverted actuary from an extrovert? The extrovert stares at your shoes.

An engineer, a chemist and an actuary when bird hunting. The first bird popped up and the engineer shot missing to the left, the chemist shot and missed to the right. The actuary exclaimed "You got 'em!".

Did you hear about the actuary that drowned crossing a river with an average depth of 3 feet?

Actuaries? And I thought engineers were strange. Where is the "Yikes" smilie????

[Warhammer]

3 engineers and 3 accountants were taking a trip to a conference. At the train station, each accountant bought their ticket. However, the engineers only bought one ticket for all three of them. The accountants asked how they were going to get away with only having one ticket, and the engineers told them to watch and see.

After they boarded the train and it started moving, all three engineers locked themselves in the bathroom. When the conductor came to collect the tickets, he knocked on the door. The door cracked open and a hand shot out with the ticket. The conductor, not knowing that there were three people inside, took it and moved on. After he left the car the engineers came out. The accountants, were impressed, and told the engineers that they would try the same trick on the return trip.

On the way back, the accountants got one ticket, but the engineers didnt get any. The accountants laughed and wondered how the engineers were going to get themselves out of this one. After everyone boarded the train, and it started moving, the engineers hid in one bathroom, while the accountants did the same in the other one. Just before the conductor entered the car, one of the engineers came out, walked up to the accountants' bathroom, and knocked on the door...

[OldSchool]

Actuary jokes (yes, I are one).

How to find an actuary at a party? Find a group of bored people. The one talking is the actuary.

How do you tell an introverted actuary from an extrovert? The extrovert stares at your shoes.

An engineer, a chemist and an actuary when bird hunting. The first bird popped up and the engineer shot missing to the left, the chemist shot and missed to the right. The actuary exclaimed "You got 'em!".

Did you hear about the actuary that drowned crossing a river with an average depth of 3 feet?

Good!
Unfortunately, I have to dabble in statistics as well.

[TLE2]

You don't think 2 is odd? I find it passingly strange, myself

All numbers are odd.

Proof: Odd numbers are always odd and that's a unique property. Even numbers don't have such a unique property. Isn't that odd.

[Thomas]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Or "over designed."

If the glass is just supposed to hold water, then you might be right on "over designed". If the glass is supposed to hold a dangerous liquid, then it probably just has a safety factor of 2.


Over-designed explanation: The junior engineer designs with a safety factor of 1.25, but the manufacturer only makes a glasses with a volume equating to a safety factor of 1.33. He hands the order form to his supervisor, and the supervisor sees 1.33. The supervisor assuming that the junior engineer might have gotten it wrong, orders a glass with a volume equating to a safety factor of 1.5. The fulfillment department gets the order for 1.5, but can get a deal on glasses on 1.33 or 2, so they order the glass with a volume equating to a safety factor of 2.

Also, Wikipedia explanation of Safety Factor.


^Proof that I'm an engineer - I've over-analyzed the situation and now it's not funny anymore

5th or so edit of this post, here is my new joke:
An optimist says the glass is half full. A pessimist says the glass is half empty. But really, the glass just has a safety factor of 2.

[Thomas]

Okay, let me try and redeem myself:
(remember, I'm a recent college grad, so these pictures I've collected reflect that.)

http://www.quickmeme.com/Engineering-Professor/