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BLOND PAINT JOB

• A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
  
  "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
  
  The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
  
  The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
  
  The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
  
  The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
  
  A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
  
  "You're finished already?" he asked.
  
  "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
  
  "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
  
  "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

---

100 MPH GOAT

• Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they were walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed by the size of it.
  
  The first redneck said, "Wow, that's some hole ... I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
  
  The second redneck answers, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
  
  The first redneck says, "There's this old automobile transmission here ... give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
  
  So they picked it up and carried it over, and counted one, two, three; and threw it in the hole.
  
  They were standing there listening and looking over the edge and they heard a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
  
  While they were standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.
  
  "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
  
  The first redneck said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"
  
  The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to an Old Transmission."

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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

• A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
  
  "What are you doing?" she asked.
  
  "Hunting flies" he responded.
  
  "Oh.. and killing any?" she asked.
  
  "Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
  
  Intrigued she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"
  
  He responded: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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DEADLY GOLF TRAP

• Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
  
  Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
  
  Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."
  
  Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
  
  Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

---

Shave and a haircut, two bits!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'All I had to do was switch heads.

The airline pilot’s voice came on the speakers:

“ This is your captain, ladies and gentlemen. We have leveled off at our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. We expect the air to be smooth during most of the flight today. No weather systems ahead. You can move around the cabin if you like, but when you return to your seat, please re-fasten your seatbelt. Meanwhile, I hope you relax and enjoy the flight. Now, it is the practice of the airline as well as my own personal practice to inform you of anything unusual happening during the flight, as well as pointing out highlights of the interesting ground views during the flight. This is one of those occasions. If those of you who are seated on the right side of the plane will look out of the window, you will see that the right engine is on fire. If those of you on the left side of the plane will look out the window, you will see that the left engine is on fire. And, if those of you seated in the rear of the plane will look out, you will see 3 parachutes. That is the crew. This is a recording.” (Thanks, Bob Newhart)

Ohhhhh, blondes is it?

A blond, is tired of being treated as a...well...blond. So she dyes her hair a deep auburn, trades in her wardrobe of party outfits for elegant dress suits and evening gowns and replaces he Mini with a Decked out Lexus. She decides to go for a country drive.

As she's touring she comes upon a shepherd with his flock in a beautiful green pasture. She pulls over, leans on the fence and begins admiring the sheep. The shepherd comes over and asks,"you like sheep?" "They're adorable!", she replies. Taken by her beauty and affection for the animals the shepherd says, "Tell you what, if you can guess how many sheep are there; I'll let you pick one out for your own." She scans the flock for all of five seconds and shouts, "362!" The shepherd is duly impressed and gives her the go ahead. She ventures out and picks the cutest one out and starts back to her car.

The shepherd looks after her as she's getting to her car, "Hey lady, got another one for ya. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

---

An elegantly dressed blond walks into a a big Wall St. Bank and sits down with a loan officer. She says she needs a counter loan for $20000. The loan officer gives her the once over and asks, "Do you have an account with us?" "No sir." "Do you have any collateral?" "Just my car, it's idling out front," she replies.

The banker looks through the towering glass doors and sees a mint condition 1934 Rolls Royce Phantom II. He nearly chokes and says, "Uh, that should work if you have the title." Then he asks, "What do you need it for?" She looks up from the paper work and says, "A month long trip to Europe. Will my car be safe?" The loan officer assures her that it will be kept below the bank, in secured and guarded parking.

With her cash in hand she hands over the keys and hails a cab to the airport. The banker just shakes his head at this dumb blond. A month later she returns to the bank, pays the twenty thousand back plus $88.00 in interest. While they are waiting for the car to be brought around the loan officer is compelled to say, "Ma'am, we looked up your credit while you were gone and you are worth millions. Why did you need to borrow $20,000 for a trip to Europe?" She looked at him with a wry smile and asks, "Do you know any way else I could park an $850,000 dollar car in New York, under lock and key for a month, for under $100.00?"

What do you call a blond wearing a leather jacket?



Rebel without a clue.

A mime owes Big Tony 20 grand and can't pay.

Tony tells his blonde hit woman to take the mime to New Jersey and knock him off.

When the hit woman returns she tells Big Tony she didn't kill the mime.

In a rage Big Tony asks why.



you ready for this?




here it comes . . .




She said, "Tony a mime is a terrible thing to waste."


Ta daa!

MoJo wrote:She said, "Tony a mime is a terrible thing to waste."


Ta daa!

<groan> That one belongs in my Really Bad Jokes thread.

It was awesome!

OK....how about a none Blond joke....

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said,
'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


OK... now a blond joke..

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Lines from College admission essays.
If there was a single word to describe me, that word would have to be "profectionist."
I was abducted into the national honor society.
I want to be bilingual in three or more languages.
I have made the horror role every semester.
I am thinking of possibly transferring to your college. I applied as an undergraduate but was weight listed
I first was exposed through a friend who attends Vassar. .

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says......."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

After the moderators have viewed these threads it was voted to lock it. It has gotten to the point that all acceptable jokes have been posted and that several off-color or profane posts have been deleted lately, so it we decided to lock it. Please DO NOT start another topic on it.