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According to Colbert, one million monkeys typing for eternity would produce Shakespeare, ten thousand (drinking) monkeys typing for ten thousand years would produce Hemingway, and ten monkeys typing for three days would produce a work of Dan Brown.

With that being said... May we begin..

As I woke this morning I walked out to my front porch with my cup of coffee.. I looked out over the pasture

My prized bull bellowed in alarm as he was dragged into the spaceship hovering overhead.

But since my concealed carry is for me to protect my family and myself (property being a distant follower), I was a good witness and notified the Men in Black department of the local Sheriff's office.

They came out and visited me, asking many questions: can you give us a description of the kidnappers? ; did you get their license plate number? ; what kind of vehicle were they driving? ; and a whole lot more. Then they shined a funny light in my eye and I don't remember anything else.