Need Help: The Parents Found Out...

[NguyenVanDon]

Over the weekend, my parents found out I carry a gun. They slept over at my apartment, so I guess they got nosy and start snooping around my closet and my drawers when I was in the shower last night. Well, they went home this morning acting normal. Until an hour ago, I got a phone call from my parents and they are mad I carry a gun. My parents told me to go sell it and get rid of it. Boy did that made my day. They didn't want to talk about it anymore, so they hung up the phone. So, I'm sitting here thinking, they must be crazy if they think I'm getting rid of my only CCW. Good luck with that. Time add fuel to the flame and start another gun debate. I have an idea how to approach this situation, but I would like some extra help from ya fellas here. So what would ya guys do?

Background Info:

My parents fled the Vietnam War when the communist took over. My parents been here for almost 30 years. I was born in a small town of Orange, TX. Both of my parents are Americanized and citizens of this country, but they are still in the time where they think guns is bad. I got put on a spot and froze up. How would you approach this situation if you were in my shoes?

[Wildscar]

First you are a grown man who can make your own decisions. They do not pay your rent or buy your grocery's. If it where me I wouldn't let them say with me the next time they come to stay cause they might have been able to go though my stuff while I was living with them in my younger years but that my stuff now and they have no right to go poking. So I would call them back and they them that you are happy about them going though you stuff and then hang up on them because you don't feel like talking about it any more. But thats just me.

They can still be your parents, and you can still be their son, but their rule over you stopped when you move out on your own.

I had a simler reaction from my Mom about me riding a motorcycle. I told her point blank that I was an adult and there was nothing that she was going to be able to do about it. I would always get the "they are dangrous" speach and I guess my Dad got tired of it one day and told her to shut up. He told her "If he dies on that motorcycle he will at least be doing something that he loves."

[nedmoore]

Next time they want to visit put them up in a hotel! Tell them you have a gun to protect yourself from the types of people that led them to flee Vietnam.

[Impax]

Well, my mother was terrified of guns but easily changed her mind after one trip to the range with me. My father on the other hand never really had a problem with guns but didn't see a reason to carry one until a late night trip home from Houston. They had someone tailgating them for a while that would not pass them. They both finally realized that if they were forced to stop they had no good means of protection other than a cell phone. So all in all they made it home a little shook up but were able to see concealed carry as something that could potentially save their lives on day. So, on the 7th. my father is taking the course and when my mother is healed from back surgery she will take the course as well. they left for Houston again today but this time with a firearm with them after I printed up the new laws that went into effect in September 2007.

[locknload]

VanDon, your parents are living in another generation, where children always obeyed their elders for their entire life, as you well know. They need to be comfortable there, while you need to do what you need to do to be safe. I have several options for you.

1. Write a very respectful letter to them, since they won't talk to you, and explain the reasons that you felt the need to carry a weapon. Let them know that your life depends upon it.

2. If you don't address the issue, they will ask if you have sold it. I know that you don't want to lie to them. However, you need to be prepared to either lie and keep the weapon well hidden, maybe buy a safe in which to put it and anything you don't want them to see ... or do the next item.

3. Tell them the truth, in a very respectful manner, that you need the gun for your safety, and you don't intend to sell it. Then, prepare for a bumpy ride for however long it takes them to forgive you. You know your parents and how long that would take.

I'd write the letter, first, telling them how much you love them, respect their advice, and want to honor their wishes; however, you have a safety issue that you have had to address that they may not have been aware of, when they were visiting you. You might apologize for not telling them about the safety issue, and promise to put the gun in a safe, when they visit, so they won't be insulted by it again. (Put the things that you don't want them to see in the safe with the gun. They will snoop.) Let them know that you want to be an obedient son, but there are issues that you deal with that are beyond your control. That will give them a chance to save face and see why you need your gun. These things must be done delicately, as they are your elders.

If that doesn't work, you'll need to decide if their anger is worth having the gun. It sounds, from what you said, that it is. So, my heart goes out to you. If it helps any, Asian parents aren't the only ones, who try to control their children all their lives. My Mom is Irish Catholic, and I'm 61 years old, and she still expects me to do as she says. She still thinks she holds the strings to my life, and the older she gets, the worse it gets. I just don't get in touch with her for awhile, when she gets like that and she forgets what it was all about. However, at 84 years old, that's dangerous, because I know that her time is limited. Life is a delicate balance, especially when we have to deal with unreasonable demands and cultural traditions from our parents. I guess it's just another one of those things that keeps life from being boring, though sometimes boring sounds so good.

Hope this helps.

Blessings!!

[srothstein]

I don't know how traditionally you were raised, or how Americanized you and your parents really are. This may be as much as test of the culture differences on when you are an adult and when you still have to obey your parents as it on the pistol itself.

If I were in your place, I would first try to politely explain to them that the country and times are different here. The pistol is much more acceptable, both for defense from criminals and for recreation. Then I might ask them if they think the US is not headed down a path that might make them and you decide to leave here sometime in the near future. This time, you want to ensure that you don't have to leave if you can avoid it, and you want to be able to protect yourself if you ever do have to flee.

In addition to my personal belief that we are headed towards a revolution or possibly an economic collapse, there is the example of the Katrina evacuations and the problems inherent in it.

Then I might try to start working gently on the problem of how independent an American adult is compared to the traditional Asian patriarchal family. But that is a much harder debate, I think.

[Dougmyers5]

Tell your parents to read the 2nd amendment its OK to be with in you rights.

[The Annoyed Man]

Nguyen, I feel your pain. I am not Asian, but my mother is an old-world European with much the same expectations of unquestioned obedience from her children. She is also a WW2 war survivor where, as a civilian, she was subjected to extreme privation and surrounded by destruction. It makes her crazy that I'm a conservative gun owner. She's pretty sure that she raised me better than that, and since she's a liberal retired college professor, she naturally thinks she knows everything. And she still thinks that, at 55 years old, I can't possibly know anything. That being said, I love her and honor her anyway. But I have adopted some "survival techniques" calculated for the preservation of harmony.

One of those techniques is that I just don't challenge her on her assumptions. I'll never change her mind, so there's no percentage in wasting time on trying to do so. I don't rub guns in her face. She hates them. She knows I own them, but if she wants to bring it up, I just tell her, "Look, I'm not going to change your mind, and you're not going to change mine. So let's talk about the weather instead." It helps that she lives 1,450 miles from me, so she can't just waltz over and snoop around any time she wants to. It also helps that I am married with my own family, and my wife and I set very clear boundaries about who is in charge in our home. She wouldn't dare search through my belongings like your parents did to you.

I can't advise you as to exactly how you should set boundaries for your parents when they are staying with you. You know them better than any of us here do. But you will have to set some boundaries, and the sooner you do that, the sooner you can return to having a harmonious relationship with them. And those boundaries will have to include an understanding on their part that, when they are in your home, they are your guests, and they either must respect the rules of your home just as you respect the rules of their's, or they will have to stay somewhere else. Also take heart that, if you eventually marry and have a family of your own, your parents will no longer be in a position to do ridiculous stuff like searching your belongings for "contraband."

Best of luck to you.

[Keith B]

Your parents deserve respect, as do all parents. Unfortunately they didn't respect you as grown man if they snooped and found your CCW weapon. I wouldn't throw that in their face, but it is still an invasion of your privacy.

As others have said, I would first try to reason with them on the issue verbally or in writting. If that fails, then you may have to take the route of telling them it is gone, buy a safe and if they are comng over, lock it up. If they ask what is in the safe, tell them it is copies of imprtant documents (gun owners manuals) and valuables (your gun IS valuable right??)

I am like TAM. My Mom is soon to be 88 and she still thinks I need her advice on everything (However, she is OK with me carrying as I was a reserve LEO at one time and my Brother-in-Law is a retired Police Chief) You will always be their child that needs guidance and their input. It is a part most parents don't want to let go of. You sometimes have to play the game, make them feel comfortable and go on. It is no different with the anti's in public; you keep it concealed, they don't know it is there, and everyone is happy and safe. If you ever do have to use it to defend life, they will quickly understand why you do what you do.

Best of luck!

[seamusTX]

Van Don, concealing important information is one step short of a lie. I'm pretty sure your parents see it that way. You have an opportunity to apologizing for that now that they know; while at the same time sticking to your principles.

One line of discussion that could help is explaining that the atrocities that occurred in Vietnam and elsewhere did not occur because the bad guys had guns -- bad guys were committing atrocities with swords, spears, and clubs before guns were invented. They occurred because the good people did not have the means to defend themselves.

Voluntary disarmament by one side has seldom led to the end of violence.

- Jim

[SkipB]

I spent two tours (actually one and part of a secound) in Vietnam back in the 60's. I very much like knowing that some were able to make it to our nation to live in a free country. Always hold you parents in high regard and with much respect. Go see them face to face and explain to them the reason's you decided to carry. Out of respect to them don't carry in their home. They are your parents and they are not going to stop loving you over this. They will come to terms with it. Remind them that you love them and how much they mean to you. Nothing magical or hard to do, it's very simple, it's all about family.

[Liko81]

This isn't like your parents caught you smoking weed. You have a right to defend yourself, and to own and carry a gun for that purpose. They have a right to feel however they want about it, but if they're not supporting you in any way there's little they can do to force the issue. They are still your parents though, and a good relationship with them is nice to have.

I would simply not mention it for a while to start off. Forcing the issue will only cause them to dig in. When you think it's a good time to talk about it, ask them why they don't like the idea of you being armed. Get their reasons; your parents certainly give them weight so even if it's the same stuff you hear from antis all the time, discuss it intelligently. Then state your own position, and give the reasons why you carry concealed. Mention cases in the news, and also point out that the police have no duty to be security guards, and the time between you dialing 911 and help arriving can be several minutes, more than enough time for a bad guy to have done his evil deeds and left the scene.

It may not work; you may not get very far in the conversation. However you are an intelligent person (or so I gather from our many discourses here, friendly and otherwise ) so I have to assume you come from similar stock and that your parents will at least hear you out if you don't manage to convince them. Most hoplophobes eventually get over it once the lack of evidence to support their fear becomes telling.

[DoubleActionCHL]

Wow! I had a very similar conversation with a neighbor. He is a Gulf War veteran, trained and competent in the use of firearms, but his father insists that he cannot keep a gun in the house with children.

My first response (please forgive me) was "Have Some Guts." However, you realistically have to keep peace in the family, so while I stand by my advice, I'd suggest that you apply it very diplomatically. Tell your parents that you understand their concerns and appreciate their perspective, however, you are an adult now. You are responsible for yourself, and this includes your personal protection. Explain the measures you've employed to assure safety. Tell them about your training (assuming you've had some; if not, get some THEN tell them about it!), and let them know that you are doing everything within the law.

I speak with lots of people of different cultures who have, in my opinion, an irrational fear of guns. This is obviously not limited to the Asian community. Most European countries are staunchly anti-gun, and many of the citizens share these sentiments and retain this position even when they come to the states.

There is probably little you can do to change their mind, but you can ease their fears and let them know you respect their position. Best of luck to you.

[Paladin]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm a bit surprised that your parents, being Vietnamese, would object to you having a gun. All the Vietnamese people I know well in America own guns.

If they seem upset, I might counter by also being upset that they searched your apartment. You aren't doing anything illegal.

Explain your training. Explain the safety measures you take. Explain that having that kind of responsibility is making you a more mature and level-headed adult. Explain that the dangers shown on the 10 PM news every night are real and you don't want them to lose their son (you) to it.

[NguyenVanDon]

Thank you all for the advice. My parents are very anti-gun to the max. I think the best solution at this time is to let things run its course. If they happen to call me again and talk about my issue of having a gun, then I'm going to tell them straight up about how I feel about it. It's good that I don't see my parents everyday because they are living in Houston, while I'm currently staying in the Arlington/Grand Prairie area. I'll give ya an update later to see how thing works out.