justified in force on the x wife for forcing into my home?

[LedJedi]

I have a real life scenario that just happened tonight I'd like some feedback on if you folks don't mind. Now that the officers are gone and I've had a while to chill and process the events of the evening I'm wondering a few things. Maybe some of you have been in similar situations and have some input/advice, etc.

Let me give you a quick bit of background. Just bear with me, we'll get to the relevant part, i promise.

I have joint custody of my 9 year old daughter. She lives with my X who has managing conservatorship, and gets to visit me in what is a basic 100+ miles apart Texas visitation agreement. My divorce decree clearly states that since this is a holiday weekend I get to keep my daughter for visitation through monday evening. That has been acknowledged by all parties involved.

In an effort to ease relation and help facilitate communications I have taken to sending calendar invites to my X wife to arrange visitation schedules. I am by no means required to do this in our agreement, but because there are 200+ miles between us it has helped on many occasions. I am only required by my decree to notify when I will NOT be exercising visitation. I usually send these calendar invites 2-3 months in advance.

When I sent the invite for this weekend (2-3 months ago) I didn't realize monday was a school holiday and I got to keep my daughter for an extra day. I realized this about a week ago. I notified my X in email just as I send the calendar invites in email and said I realize I made a mistake on this weekend, please plan on picking our daughter up on Monday instead of the regular Sunday. I sent this email over a week ago, plenty of notice.

My X didn't like this and basically gave me the "tough luck" response saying she would be here to pick my daughter up on Sunday anyway. I explained (politely, i've learned over the years not to get drug into an argument) that our paperwork clearly states I get visitation through until Monday. She again stated she didn't care, etc.. This conversation happened in email.

I go to pick my daughter up on Friday. She tries to start another fight on the subject saying she's going to be there on Sunday anyway and if I don't turn over our daughter to her then she's calling the police, yadda yadda. Again, not wanting to get drug into an argument I just turn around and walk away as she's screaming at me in the middle of her apartment court yard in front of our daughter and witnesses at the complex pool... that was a lovely sight let me tell you.

Now, at this point I could have just sucked it up and agreed to let my daughter go back early on Sunday, but the X has really taken to bullying me lately on various issues so I'm just not as inclined to work with her. I also get very very little time with my daughter as it is because we live so far apart so an extra day on a weekend is honestly a big deal to us.

Again, in an effort to avoid confrontation we make plans to not even be at home during the normal sunday pick-up hours (6pm). We're at a BBQ at a friends house from 4pm - 8:30pm . We get home to a note on the door from the X stating she was here to pick up our daughter at 6:15 and nobody was here. I'm thinking i dodged the bullet and avoided the confrontation.

9:15 pm rolls around. Someone is banging on my door, rather harshly. I go peek through the hole and there's the X.... I tell my daughter to go to her room and close the door, because there is likely to be an argument and I don't want her involved to a witness. I open the door about 8 inches (in hindsight, my first mistake was right here) to tell her she's not getting my daughter. A short conversation ensues basically to the same effect as above. I finally tell her, "look, I'm just not going to argue about this, you need to leave. get off my property. come back tomorrow at the correct time and you can get her." She starts screaming at me again so I go to close the door all the way. She immediately throws herself against the door (admittedly I didn't expect this, she's never been violent before, only confrontational) causing it to smack into my face and tries to force herself into the apartment.

I have about 200 lbs on her though so i easily recover (though admittedly a bit stunned) and push back against the door, forcing her almost completely out. At the last second she jams her foot in the door holding it open. I call for my wife to hand me my cell phone and i immediately call 911 as I'm holding my weight against the door so she can't press in any further. My cell is on speaker phone so she hears 911 pick up and i start calling for police assistance and giving them my information. As soon as she hears this she throws something in the door, removes her foot and takes off.

I tell the operator that she finally left, but I need a unit out to file a report. I explain everything to the officer, get an incident report and tell him I want to press assault charges.

So, here are my questions...

I know I was justified in using force to keep her out of my apartment when she's trying to force her way in.

What are the chances that the assault charge will stick? She didn't hit me with the door hard enough to leave a mark, but she did smack me pretty good.

If she had actually managed to force her way into the apartment, what legal standing would have been in effect at that point? She's not a burglar, but she's certainly invading my home by force.

She has stated clearly that she does not intend to pick up my daughter tomorrow (monday). Does that constitute abandonment if she doesn't? In either case, what actions should I take to protect myself in this situation? Whom should I call and inform that she has basically refused to pick up my daughter in accordance with our decree? I do NOT want her to turn this situation around on me.

I'm currently putting my wife through nursing school so we just don't have the cash to go out and hire a lawyer right now so I will have to handle this myself. I'm wondering if I shouldn't look into filing a motion for contempt with the court if she doesn't pick her up on monday as our decree says she has to.

As of Tuesday, my daughter will be missing school which is 200+ miles away. I can't take her to school 200+ miles away and pick her up, but I'm not sure I can enroll her locally because I don't have managing conservatorship in our custody agreement. We have joint custody. A friend of mine who used to work at a crisis center suggested that since our decree states that the X is responsible for picking up our daughter on monday evening that if she hasn't done picked her up by Tuesday I should call her school and notify them of the situation so they can take action against the X for truancy, etc. since she should have picked her up, etc.

some folks may suggest that the X will cool down and pick her up tomorrow, but i highly doubt that knowing the track record involved her.

How could I have handled in this situation better, aside from the obvious not opening the door?

** note to the moderators. I realize it's not encouraged to post real life situations on the board that may involve pending legal issues, but I'm honestly just at a loss as to what to do in this situation. I could really use some guidance / information here, both for my sake and for my daughter's.

[Beiruty]

Boy, you have some "issues" with your X.

Assault charges will not stick.
Forced home entry and trespassing maybe prosecuted.
If your wife does not pick up her up on Monday night, then you can document that ( Police report, Video tape) and then file a motion with the incident with family court where divorce was concluded. This will not be in her favor and your X might lose custody.

I recommend to be at good terms with your x-wife for the sake of your daughter.

[surprise_i'm_armed]

LEDJedi:
I can't offer you any specific advice on your situation but I can feel your pain since I have
also had to deal with a crazy emotional ex. If I said it's sunny out, she would demand that
I admit it is night time.

Keep a cool head. In future years your daughter will realize that you are the sane one of her
two parents. At the same time, try not to be negative about her mother in front of her.

You have my condolences on the situation. Hang in there. Take a deep breath before your
next actions.

SIA

[roberts]

Any way your wife can be the complainant If you try to file charges for the attempt to break in? I think that would probably look better to a prosecutor.

I agree with the suggestions to document, document, document. You have the 911 call but you want to make sure this doesn't get turned around on you, especially if you already have problems with your ex being unreasonable.

This has to be tough on your daughter. Please try to keep her best interest at the front.

[Kevinf2349]

Just a bit of advice here....save the email trail too!

[lrb111]

You should assume I'm your friend, also not an atty.
I can't go on for all the pages of explanations, on a lose/lose situation So, Let;s fade to black...

Force on your X could lead to you losing all rights in a domestic violence charge. Why? Because she says so, and all she has to do is say so. Maybe not now, next week, next month, whenever. Call it "reciprocity", or "getting even". Remember, it costs her nothing, and it would be effective.
Just like the common restraining orders in divorce papers that cause loss of rights, even where there was no violence.

Decelerate...
Remember, your daughter has to live with her, whatever you do to your wife is going to turn into a haunting for your daughter.
more deceleration...
How would react if you had managerial custody, was making a 200 mile round trip, and now being told you were going to have to do it again tomorrow?
You might offer to meet your X half way to get you daughter home.

fwiw, if you can't afford to take your daughter home, you can't afford to go to court either. Last time someone told me about trying to bring up a custody case the atty quoted $8k as a starting point.

[RPBrown]

I had to go through a similar situation a number of years ago. My sympathy to you and your daughter as well as my prayers.

As stated above, document everything. Get an inexpensive tape recorder and a phone adapter and tape all conversations with her. You do not have to let her know you are taping, at least I didn't 18 years ago.

FWIW, this is how I caught my x threatening me with making a false assault charge, bodily injury, and death threats. She was ultimatly arreasted and had to get mental help. She also lost custody of the kids.

[HankB]

Domestic violence charges can work both ways . . . you were smacked by the door, weren't you?

In your shoes, I would call my divorce lawyer. He'll cost you more than the advice you get here, but if he's any good, he'll be worth it. DO NOT let yourself get blindsided by legal action from HER lawyer!!!

Good luck . . .

[TexasGal]

I am thinking a camera trained on the front door would be good also or any spot where you are meeting her. Those dash cams on police cars have sure helped a lot of situations become clear to prosecutors. As someone stated, it isn't hard for a woman to make a domestic violence charge. Anything you can do to record events is a good idea, by phone, e-mail, and video. I can tell you from personal experience that the calm parent who declined to scream about and denigrate the other one to the kid will win the kid's respect in the end. Kids have a lot of baggage when their homes are split without both parents tearing the other one down to them to try to win them over to their "side". It leaves them no place of peace to grow up in. Good luck, I feel for your situation.

[mrvmax]

Like was already stated, keep the well being of your daughter first. I can speak from experience,every time you have confrontations with your wife it affects her. I would also add, never say anything negative about your ex wife in front of your daughter. Your daughter is torn between the two of you and she should be involved as litle as possible since thisis out of her control anyway. I would even advise to consider overlooking petty conflicts, what is more important - you being right and proving it or your daughters piece of mind and well being? Trust me, i can still remember confrontations bewteen my parents when my father would come pick us up for visitation and that was 30 plus years ago. It was never a pleasant sight to be around physical altercations and verbal exchanges between my parents on those days.

[Beiruty]

So what happened? Did the Xwife showed up on Monday Evening?

[stevie_d_64]

Like was already stated, keep the well being of your daughter first. I can speak from experience,every time you have confrontations with your wife it affects her. I would also add, never say anything negative about your ex wife in front of your daughter. Your daughter is torn between the two of you and she should be involved as litle as possible since thisis out of her control anyway. I would even advise to consider overlooking petty conflicts, what is more important - you being right and proving it or your daughters piece of mind and well being? Trust me, i can still remember confrontations bewteen my parents when my father would come pick us up for visitation and that was 30 plus years ago. It was never a pleasant sight to be around physical altercations and verbal exchanges between my parents on those days.

If the "X" is not amiable to keep to a schedule or an agreement, and you cannot work out a compramise, then the $$$ spent on the lawyer, and possibly the court will have to be the recourse...

The daughters well-being becomes paramount to anyone elses desires or priorities...LedJedi and the X are secondary...Sorry, thats just the way it is...I've been caught in the middle of that stuff as well (30+ years as well)...