How would you approach this?

[zx9rt1]

I have a delima with a very good friend of mine that I would like to get some advice on how to handle. My friend is an older gentleman/ father in-law that means the world to me. The problem is that he seems to loose/forget where he has put his sidearm. Yes, you heard correct. A CHL that forgets the last place he had possession of it! He called last night to ask my wife if minor daughter remembered where he laid it down/lost it when she was with him on Friday. My daughter is his only granddaughter! The kid is very smart when it comes to the safety or lack there of with firearms. Something that my wife and I have instilled into the kid since she was 4. Needless to say I was very upset when I learned of this last night. Still upset over it at 0500HRS on this Sunday morning, Thats the reason for this early post. I know I need to talk to him about it, however I'm still pretty well upset and am afraid at this point I can not discuss the matter with him using a civil tone! Today he is suppose to continue the search for the firearm. And I prey that he finds it. Any thoughts? I'm just beside myself on this one. This probably is not in the correct forum, but then again what would be the correct forum for this? I need some advice.

[Quahog]

I don't know your FIL's age or whether he has any medical condition (Alzheimers) but I suspect he's getting on in his years. That said, I doubt he's doing this to get attention, which means you have to set aside your being upset and talk to him calmly.

Has he been to the doctor about this forgetfulness? I will probably get crucified for saying this but perhaps he's not the best candidate for a CHL if he sets his firearm down and forgets where he put it. At any rate, I'd get him to the doc and see if there's anything they can do (maybe a drug) that will help him regain his memory. Otherwise, I would consider securing the firearms.

Not sure there's a win-win situation here but no one would want to see some innocent get hurt or killed because they came upon a loaded gun.

[zx9rt1]

Thanks Quahog. You know I have thought very hard and long about the doctor visit. And I believe that I will pursue that as an first option. However the first thing that needs to happen is recover the pistol. I will feel a whole lot better about getting my hands on it first. That just has to be done right away! I'm sure he just misplaced it, but I cant have that. You have to know where youre sidearm is at ALL TIMES! Will look for it and find it today. I will update as soon as I know.

[Quahog]

Perhaps the best way to get your hands on it is to tell him you're there to help him find it. Take the wife so she can keep FIL busy "looking". When you do (and hopefully you do), you have options. Best luck to you, zr9rt1.

[stevie_d_64]

I have a delima with a very good friend of mine that I would like to get some advice on how to handle. My friend is an older gentleman/ father in-law that means the world to me. The problem is that he seems to loose/forget where he has put his sidearm. Yes, you heard correct. A CHL that forgets the last place he had possession of it! He called last night to ask my wife if minor daughter remembered where he laid it down/lost it when she was with him on Friday. My daughter is his only granddaughter! The kid is very smart when it comes to the safety or lack there of with firearms. Something that my wife and I have instilled into the kid since she was 4. Needless to say I was very upset when I learned of this last night. Still upset over it at 0500HRS on this Sunday morning, Thats the reason for this early post. I know I need to talk to him about it, however I'm still pretty well upset and am afraid at this point I can not discuss the matter with him using a civil tone! Today he is suppose to continue the search for the firearm. And I prey that he finds it. Any thoughts? I'm just beside myself on this one. This probably is not in the correct forum, but then again what would be the correct forum for this? I need some advice.

Well, this is certainly going to be a challenge...You seem to be very in tune with the situation...I can understand your frustration, but I would counsel restraint on any hint to your "anger or frustration" and help secure that firearm as soon as possible...

Then figure out a way (very quickly after the pistol is found) to have a good, private, sit down, with your father-in-law, and tell them your concerns, from a safety point of view...If age and cognative thinking are a concern, and they are amiable to discussing that issue, then explore some ways to counter that issue and still maintain some semblance of independence (for now), and safety for him and the rest of us...Offer to have a daily check-in and ask where they have their carry piece (at that moment), engaging the mind of someone who may (or may not) have someone to talk "shop" about, in my opinion, lets a little sloppyness into a persons life...

Notice, never once did I mention taking away firearms from a person in this situation, yet...And I won't...When that has to be implemented, we already know when that has to be done...And that is a private ordeal, and needs to be a dignified and discrete intervention by family only...

Good luck, you bring up a very interesting situation, one that I have not seen discussed at any great length in many forums I visit...

[The Annoyed Man]

You know him better than any of us, and it sounds like you are acutely sensitive to both the safety issues, and to his feelings and dignity, so I'm not going to presume to tell you how to say what you need to say to him. But I will presume to reinforce the following priorities in this order:

1. Find and secure the weapon. Goes without saying.

2. Insist on a doctor's visit. I am sure that he loves all of you in return, and if he is otherwise in command of his faculties, he will likely already be aware that being continuously forgetful about his gun is not an acceptable status quo, and he will likely be willing to take steps to correct it if he can. You can suggest that there may be medications available to help him with his forgetfulness. If he is the caring and thinking man you say he is, he would probably jump at that opportunity to salvage some quality of life. After all, if he is forgetting about where he laid his gun, what else is he forgetting that may also be very important and about which you still are unaware? Is he forgetting to take important medications? Is he forgetting to eat? Bathe? Etc.

3. As Stevie said, you'll know when and if it is time to take his gun away, and that is an intensely personal and difficult decision which is really none of our business. But I will say offer this analogy: while it is my experience that some elderly people refuse to give up driving cars long past the point where they are dangerous to themselves and everyone around them, most elderly people are intelligent enough to know when their physical capacities have diminished enough that it is time to give it up, and start accepting help from others to get around. They didn't get to live to a ripe old age by being stupid. So, unless your FIL is suffering from an actual disease process such as Alzheimers and might therefore be incompetent to make that decision, he will likely arrive at that conclusion on his own if his memory doesn't improve.

Heck, just yesterday I was complaining to my wife that my memory isn't what it used to be, and I'm "only" 57. Plus, at age 57, my memory isn't what it used to be. And I'm forgetful too.

[RHenriksen]

The best scenario is that if/when the time comes, *he* comes to the decision that it'd be best to turn over the firearm to someone else for safekeeping. More dignity and peace of mind for him if he determines that's the best course of action.

It doesn't always play out that way, of course.

My sister had to deal w. this with our Dad. He was too far gone to give it up gracefully. Regular & vivid hallucinations, paranoid, really losing touch w. reality. This was while he was living in her house, w. her two children & her husband. She got a VA counselor and his doctors all together & gave him a united front - no more boomstick, end of story. He had to fold on the issue. But he sure as hell wasn't gracious about it.

[loneranger4x4]

just a couple of questions to clarify this situation, has this happened more than this incident? is he always forgetting other things? I was a little confused because you said

he seems to loose/forget where he has put his sidearm

suggesting that this has happened before, but the rest of the post gives me the impression that this is the first time it has happened. Don't get me wrong this is a frightning situation to say the least especially when there are kids involved, I would definately be upset, however, all of the post about having him see a doctor if this is an isolated incident, just dont seem warranted. No matter what you decide, you should make it very clear to him that your daughter will not be allowed over there if the firearm is not found and secured either by being on his person or locked away.

Disclaimer: not slamming or disagreeing with all the previous post, just trying to get a better understanding of the situation.

[Mike1951]

If and only if you decide he can retain his handgun, I will suggest some technology to address not losing it again.

http://www.defensedevices.com/rfid-tag- ... ystem.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

You would need to confirm that the tag itself is small enough to attach to the handgun without interfering with function.

The sensor is then clipped to a belt loop, etc. Whenever the tag (handgun) is separated from the sensor (person) by the selected distance, the alarm sounds.

If he also loses his cell phone, this could work for that too.

[driver8]

This is a little different but I guess I'm lucky. My dad just gave me his only gun so I would get it away from there because he saw my mother holding it recently. When he asked her what she was doing he got a "nothing". They are both 79 years old so I took it. I wonder all the time how long I have left before they are more of a danger to us than someone else, and will I know when the time comes.

[rdcrags]

It's really no different than convincing someone that they are no longer able to drive either safely or without getting lost (the latter was my mother's case). A relative needs to take the action, if there is a relative available to take on the task. If no other relative wants to do it, have at it yourself, even though you are just an in-law. Good luck.

TX CHL 1997
CO CHP 2005

[zx9rt1]

Found the pistol late yesterday at the new house he's moving into. After talking with him in great detail I found out some good information. His doctor has put him on some new meds, and as he describes it, makes him unable to focus on any certain tasks. The guilt he feels over misplacing his gun is very apparent. The good news is he gave me his pistol until he goes to the doc on Tuesday. He told me he had no business being around it until he finds out if it's the meds are not, and wants me to go with him to the doctor. I feel a little bad about my anger over the situation and I'm so thankful I kept my mouth shut! I guess that little voice is right. He's already called me twice today to tell me how bad he feels over the whole thing, and how ashamed he is. We'll get him fixed up tomorrow. Thanks to everyone here for giving me some advice and ideas. I have an extended family here now! Thank you again.

Michael

[Quahog]

Outstanding and there's nothing better than a happy ending to a somewhat sad story. You did good, z.

[baseballguy2001]

wow, glad the weapon was recovered.

Just give your FIL your support. A little support goes a long way.