Rules for dating my daughter

[AustinBoy]

Ok, this has been around for a really long time but my best friend came over tonight and his daughter just started High School.

I pulled this up and we were crying we were laughing so hard. (ok, I THINK that is why he was crying)



Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still,
I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose
this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the
barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is
"early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not
sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for
a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games
are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god
of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Topbuilder]

I forwarded to my two sons. I added a note suggesting if they ever run into "that" father, buy her a box of candy, then politely inform her you just discovered that your'e gay...

[howdy]

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

[Beiruty]

My only Rule:

You need to date my daughter?
1) Propose to her first and then let us talk.
2) If she accepts, I will be her chaperon.
3) On dates, Know your limits. I am watching.
4) to bypass 3) you need to marry my daughter.
5) Now, It is your and her decision to have babies.

Happy family.

[Jumping Frog]

Ok, this has been around for a really long time but my best friend came over tonight and his daughter just started High School.

A classic.

I beat you to it: http://texaschlforum.com/viewtopic.php? ... 71#p647571" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Birdie]

My father actually did have a form for my dates to fill out. It was generally along the lines of full name, phone number, parents' names, DL#, plate number, make and model of car. . . .


He is also 6'2" and would stand behind my mom with arms crossed. Never cracking a smile. Never speaking. I had several boys tell me later that they never asked me out during high school because they feared my dad.

[smoothoperator]

With an attitude like that, you think he would be more worried about those pictures she took with the new iPhone he bought her. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

[The Annoyed Man]

I'm past having kids now, but my son always says that if he has a daughter, when her dates pick her up, he'll be cleaning a 1911 on the coffee table, in his boxer shorts, and he'll tell the guy, "I've got no problem going back to the Big House. Now what time did you say my daughter would be home?"

[Jaguar]

I actually did this with my daughter's boyfriend. She was 18 and brought her boyfriend home from college and we met and talked a bit, then when my wife and daughter left the room I looked him in the eye and said, "Two things, 1. I love my daughter, and 2. I am not afraid to go back to prison." he got this deer in the headlights look, (I'm 6'3" 250 lbs) and started stuttering a bit but I couldn't keep from laughing. So I said, "Just kidding" then the stern look returned and I continued, "they won't find your body."

I almost felt sorry for him at that point. We actually had a good relationship for a year or so until my daughter decided to end it. He went to the range with me a couple times and loves my Marlin 39A.

Ah, good times.

[DocV]

I went through all sorts of antics with my daughter's old boy friends - none of which will I discuss in public.

With the current significant other I adopted a slightly different approach - I took him to the range and let him shoot my 1911s. Then I shot my 1911s and talked about aiming, shot placement, etc. I was, I fear, a bit on the graphic side. That said, this SO has managed to stay in the picture for over a year and I hear rumors about matrimony.

[recaffeination]

I added a note suggesting if they ever run into "that" father, buy her a box of candy, then politely inform her you just discovered that your'e gay...

Don't be too hasty. With that much daddy drama they're not dating material but they can be a lot of fun to play with.

[emcee rib]

I'm past having kids now, but my son always says that if he has a daughter, when her dates pick her up, he'll be cleaning a 1911 on the coffee table, in his boxer shorts, and he'll tell the guy, "I've got no problem going back to the Big House. Now what time did you say my daughter would be home?"

A girl's father tried a line like that on me once so I played along. By third period on Monday morning, stories about Laura's father's criminal record were flying fast and furious by text messages and whispers in the hallways.

[WildBill]

I actually did this with my daughter's boyfriend.
Ah, good times.

So how did your daughter like the convent?

[magicglock]

This all seems far to complicated. I prefer a simple approach, do not potty train your daughter. Boys will follow the golden rule of dating: date makes a mess in your passenger seat you take her home early.

[Wienerdogtroy]

I joke about it with my daughter who, of course, does the appropriate eye rolling and sighs. However I know that "crazy dad" can create the opposite reaction. I just taught her to be fierce and have a head on her shoulders. I will be around however, and in joking aside, my family is the absolute only thing that matters to me, and everyone else knows it.

I've actually had to deal with crazy dad myself, up to the point where if he saw me, he would turn around a drive away. It had an effect, I will say and am not married to that gal. My actual father in law loves me for the efforts I've done to protect my wife and (step)kids from the crazy ex. So it turned out for the best.

Interestingly, I had to counsel our son on how to handle "crazy dad." Be polite, look him in the eye etc. However if he's facing real crazy dad then I've opined "move on." He don't need crazy.

The one you really have to watch is the future mother in law...