Need Prayers and Advice... (legal and other)

[Scott in Houston]

I have a close family member, who is an elder to me, that was picked up last night (actually 5 am in the morning) for DWI and is in Harris County's jail right now. I just went down and posted the bond. I will see him when he's released in 4 to 8 hours.

This is all new to me, and quite devastating on multiple levels. There are several requests I have from the good people here. I really respect the members of this forum as good, conservative (generally speaking), and knowledgable folks. I also know many share the same faith I do. So prayers accepted.

1) We're disappointed in him. However, his life has been in kind of a rut for the last several years, and this is icing on the cake. We know not to criticize him or jump on him for this because, honestly, I worry that he would become suicidal. I can't imagine anything worse for him right now. He's in very bad shape financially, and is trying to crawl out with a new job, etc. This is the area where prayers are needed. Our family is devastated and I know his immediate family will be too. Any advice on how to handle him is appreciated too. My plan is, when I pick him up tonight, to immediately love on him, and let him know that we're not upset at him, but we're upset for him. I plan to say, "This could have happened to me before as I know I've driven when I shouldn't have in the past. We aren't judging you or upset at you, but want you to know that we'll help you get through this the best we can, and we're here to support you."
Fact is, in the past, I have driven when I shouldn't have. Not often, but more than once. It's been a long time now, but I could have easily been arrested myself had I been pulled over then. I would say he is likely one of those who made a dumb decision and got caught. I don't think he's a habitual driver while intoxicated. If I believed he was an alcoholic and/or a habitual drunk on the road, I think we'd take more of a 'tough love' approach so he could hit bottom, but I truly don't think we're in that situation with him.

2) This is a first for our family from a legal perspective. I have no idea what's the best route here. I'm also posting this without knowing details (why he was pulled over, whether he agreed to a test or not, did he blow into the machine, etc.) Does anyone here have any advice in terms of how best to handle this legally? I know it's expensive no matter what. What's the general best course of action?
a) Get a DWI specific lawyer? (Anyone have one they can recommend in Houston?) Or can any 'good' criminal attorney handle this?
b) Can you plea these things down to lesser charges usually?
c) Did his vehicle get impounded? (I assume it did, and I know I'll find out more when I pick him up, but am wanting to be prepared)


Ugh... what a yucky day. Thanks for your prayers, input, and/or advice. This is not going to be a fun ride for us.

[Jumping Frog]

Take him to his first AA meeting.

The Houston AA Intergroup website lets you find meetings by zipcode.

Meanwhile, I'll pray for him.

[Scott in Houston]

Good advice. I will definitely do that.

[74novaman]

Yep, you're probably not going to be able to help him by yourself.

For some, alcohol is a physical dependency, and for others mental.

There are a lot of programs, etc for people struggling. I'd consult with his doctor and find out what programs in your area he/she's seen work for people in the past.

Thank God that he didn't hurt himself or others permanently, and try to get him professional help.

My thoughts are with your family.

[strider67]

Hopefully he will admit there is a problem and he will be receptive to the help. Sometimes that's the hardest thing. It's bad, but absolutely it could have been a whole lot worse.

Thoughts and prayers go out to all involved.

[jmra]

Scott, you stated that you do not believe he is an alcoholic. If you don't believe it, I doubt very seriously he believes it. Based on the things you stated in your OP, alcohol might well be a symptom and not the root cause. Assuming that he is an alcoholic and dragging him to AA may cause more problems than it solves.

I do not know if this person shares the same faith as you, but if your church has a licensed counselor perhaps that would be a good place to start. An experienced counselor should be able to advise a course of action/intervention fairly quickly. This may well include AA meetings or it could be that the real issue is depression which would need to be addressed through some other program.

You are on the right track by showing compassion and love. My only advice would be to think of this as a marathon and not a sprint. Don't jump to conclusions, take time to determine the real issues and identify all of the options available to address them.

We will keep you and your loved ones are in our prayers.

[Dave2]

I have a close family member, who is an elder to me, that was picked up last night (actually 5 am in the morning) for DWI and is in Harris County's jail right now. I just went down and posted the bond. I will see him when he's released in 4 to 8 hours.

This is all new to me, and quite devastating on multiple levels. There are several requests I have from the good people here. I really respect the members of this forum as good, conservative (generally speaking), and knowledgable folks. I also know many share the same faith I do. So prayers accepted.

1) We're disappointed in him. However, his life has been in kind of a rut for the last several years, and this is icing on the cake. We know not to criticize him or jump on him for this because, honestly, I worry that he would become suicidal. I can't imagine anything worse for him right now. He's in very bad shape financially, and is trying to crawl out with a new job, etc. This is the area where prayers are needed. Our family is devastated and I know his immediate family will be too. Any advice on how to handle him is appreciated too. My plan is, when I pick him up tonight, to immediately love on him, and let him know that we're not upset at him, but we're upset for him. I plan to say, "This could have happened to me before as I know I've driven when I shouldn't have in the past. We aren't judging you or upset at you, but want you to know that we'll help you get through this the best we can, and we're here to support you."

To start out, I don't know you and I certainly don't know him, so I might approach it completely differently if I did.

If it were me, and assuming he's the type of guy who values his reputation, I think when I went to get him, I'd first ask him if he was ok, then I'd ask if I'll be providing this service again in the future. The first question conveys concern; the second, disappointment.

Obviously if you truly think this guy might get suicidal over your reactions to his actions, then preventing that takes precedence over everything else. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with being upset with someone when it is justified, nor with criticism when it is earned. Just be sure that it's said in love rather than anger.

I probably wouldn't be all that talkative on the way home. I don't mean to be cold or give him the silent treatment or anything, it's just that if I were in his shoes I imagine I'd have enough to think about as it is. Do be sure to be a good listener if he needs one, though.



About 7.5 hours ago, you said he was going to be released in 4-8 hours, so it is unlikely that you'll get my advice before you leave to pick him up (and who knows? it might turn out to be quite bad advice anyway). But I do hope that when you return I can ease your mind somewhat with the knowledge that one more person is praying for you and your family.

[Jusster]

1) ......Fact is, in the past, I have driven when I shouldn't have. Not often, but more than once. It's been a long time now, but I could have easily been arrested myself had I been pulled over then. I would say he is likely one of those who made a dumb decision and got caught. I don't think he's a habitual driver while intoxicated. If I believed he was an alcoholic and/or a habitual drunk on the road, I think we'd take more of a 'tough love' approach so he could hit bottom, but I truly don't think we're in that situation with him.

2) This is a first for our family from a legal perspective. I have no idea what's the best route here. I'm also posting this without knowing details (why he was pulled over, whether he agreed to a test or not, did he blow into the machine, etc.) Does anyone here have any advice in terms of how best to handle this legally? I know it's expensive no matter what. What's the general best course of action?
a) Get a DWI specific lawyer? (Anyone have one they can recommend in Houston?) Or can any 'good' criminal attorney handle this?
b) Can you plea these things down to lesser charges usually?
c) Did his vehicle get impounded? (I assume it did, and I know I'll find out more when I pick him up, but am wanting to be prepared)

This is just advice from someone who has seen this before.

1) You are right…everyone makes mistakes and hopefully it will be a wakeup call
2) Without knowing the circumstances this one is hard to answer. If it’s only his first DWI he will probably be charged with a class B misdemeanor. If he took the test it’s pretty much a done deal. That being said, I would save your money, get a Mid to Lower level attorney to try to get him Deferred adjudication (if this is his first offense) and move on. That would likely mean community service, some kind of fine, 6mo+ of visiting a probation office, maybe some substance classes, and possible drug/alcohol testing. Or work out a deal to plead guilty. He may have to spend a weekend or so in jail, but that would be the end of it. That would lead to a permanent conviction on his record though. He’s also going to lose his license for a year if I remember correctly.

If he did not take the test you automatically lose your DL (don't remember how long) but this would be your best bet to fight the charge. They may still have video and of course LEO testimony. If you fight it, it will cost you big time just like anything else involving our legal system. You’d want to find a good attorney that you can trust (Mid to High) and hope for the best.
A) If I had to bet, I’d say DWI is one of the most common charges at the DA’s office. I would think that any criminal attorney that has a good reputation could handle this for you. Sorry I don’t have any to refer.
B) I’ve never heard of anyone being able to plea down a DWI charge, but I could be wrong (I guess if they couldn't prove you were intoxicated and you had an open container maybe so)
C) They always have the vehicle towed after an arrest unless he was lucky enough to have a LEO who didn’t mind a family member or friend coming down to scene to pick it up. You’d want to get it out as quickly as possible because usually the fee is compounded daily for an impounded vehicle.

Again just some advice from someone who had a situation very similar to yours in the past. I am not a lawyer, not even close, but hopefully it will get you pointed in the right direction. Prayers sent.


Jusster

[Scott in Houston]

Thanks everyone.
It got more complicated than I originally knew, and I didn't even end up picking him up last night after posting bond. He took a cab and called when he got home.

Long story short, the prayers are appreciated. That's the most important thing at this point that anyone can help with.

My read on the situation wasn't accurate when I made the OP. I now believe he needs help, and I'm not worried about him being suicidal.
We're going to support him through the legal aspect without coddling. We're also going to make sure he gets treatment.

He did a very dumb thing and is now going to pay a price for it, and unfortunately, so will others in the family, but he didn't hurt himself or anyone else, which is a very good thing.

[RPBrown]

I have had a similar experience with a family member and it is not pleasant. About the best that you can do for them is to explain to them this is their one time to be bonded out and to also pray for them. Please dont continue to post bonds for them as then you are becoming an enabler and that is the last thing they need.

When and only when they decide that it is time to stop will they accept true help.
.

[karder]

My prayers are with you and your family. I hope that this does not come off wrong, but try to look at this as a positive thing rather than a negative. No one was hurt. He did not get into an accident (I assume) and no one else was involved. If he had taken a life or lost his, the pain would be crushing and permanent. This will cost him some money, but that is nothing compared to the other possibilites. The officer that pulled him over that night may well have saved his life and this arrest was God's grace.
At this point everything can be made whole and he can resolve to make better choices. The thought of what could have been should help him to rejoice and see that this difficutly is minor. The important thing is to not let himself make the same mistakes again. Love him and witness to him.

[Scott in Houston]

Very good perspective! Thank you.

My wife and I were discussing how bad it "could" have been. I think you're right about seeing this as a positive.
I view it as being diagnosed with cancer. It's not a good thing to happen to you, but at least now you know, and now you can fight it.

If this had gone on longer and he then killed somebody or himself, it would be much worse and much more damaging to us and the others impacted. Thank God that is not the case.

We're moving forward.

And don't worry... no more bonds. We are not going to enable in any way.

[The Annoyed Man]

Scott, as others have said, a 12-step program is what he needs....either AA or Celebrate Recovery. But, and this is just as important, the rest of you should take a look at yourselves. It is not at all unusual for an alcoholic/addict to be surrounded with enablers who are acting out their own codependency, and that codependency needs to be examined, and possibly 12-stepped also through Al-Anon....or Celebrate Recovery too. It may well be that there are no codependents in your family, but it is something that should at least be considered in case it exists and needs to be dealt with. Otherwise, the addict may recover, but the rest of you won't. Worse yet, a family member's codependency could be a trigger for his falling off the wagon again.

We will be praying for you and yours.

[Scott in Houston]

Thanks TAM. I hadn't considered that yet, but now that you've brought it to my attention, I can definitely see where that is likely needed as well.

Thanks for the prayers too.