Funny Attorney Jokes

[RX8er]

True or not,(I have not verified if these are true) I hope it makes you laugh like it did me.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is you son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when you picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting ????????.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: You Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of you autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: All you responses MUST be oral. Okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WTINESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at that time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it’s possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[JALLEN]

There are so many lawyers in California now that they are starting to use them in place of lab rats.

At least 4 advantages are claimed:

1. No public outcry
2. Scientists won't become attached to them
3. There are more of them
4. There are some things you can't get rats to do.

Actually the best attorney joke out here is that the State Bar sought to pass a rule requiring members of the bar to leave the discussion whenever demeaning attorney jokes were being told. I think it was proposed and hooted down, or maybe approved then withdrawn. What a joke!

It's almost getting to be like Aggie jokes back home.

JALLEN
Member since 1975

[cheezit]

what is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
a doberman.

[SewTexas]

I just saw that on a FB page, loved it. I esp like the last one.

[Pawpaw]

The problem with lawyers is that 99% of them give all the rest a bad name.

[SF18C]

What the difference between sharks and lawyers?

Sharks won't eat their young!

[TLE2]

What's the difference between a Carp and a {Insert Kind of Lawyer here} Lawyer: One's a bottom feeding scum sucker and the others a fish.