Forgiving. WWYD?

[RoyGBiv]

Off-topic, but, I thought this was a story worth sharing.
http://www.wral.com/teen-pays-fine-for- ... /12850764/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

A judge was moved to tears Wednesday when the family of a Rocky Mount truck driver killed in a June wreck forgave the teen driver who pleaded guilty to causing the crash.

[The Annoyed Man]

I have a few thoughts......

Being active in the leadership of my church's recovery ministry has taught me some things about forgiveness and making amends.

1. You extend forgiveness because, in the long run, holding onto the unforgiveness hurts you more than it does the person who is unforgiven. So you forgive in order to not remain in bondage to the anger/disappointment, etc., etc. You forgive for you, not for them.

2. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. If someone has victimized you, you don't have to forget that it happened in order to forgive the person who did it. People are sometimes unable to forgive because they fear that they cannot forget.

3. People hold onto their anger and hurt because they feel like they cannot trust God to keep score as well as they can do it.

4. The flip side of forgiveness is self-examination for our own part in it, and a willingness to confess our part in it and to make things right with the other person. CAVEAT: if you were physically, sexually, verbally, or psychologically abused, then you have no part in it. That kind of sickness is 100% on the perpetrator's shoulders.

5. Self examination means that we have to keep our side of the street clean, whether or not the other person keeps their side clean. For us to keep our side clean, it requires that we examine and admit our part in things, if we have a part in them, and then to make amends and seek forgiveness from the other side of the street; as well as forgiving them their own trespasses.

6. We make amends so that we won't remain in bondage to any guilt, shame, fear, self-blaming, etc., that we might be holding onto.

7. However, we make both forgiveness and amends freely, unconditionally. If you are depending upon reciprocation from the other side of the street before you will either forgive or make amends, then you will never be able to get it done, and you will remain in bondage to it.

Just a few thoughts. I take most of my guidance on these matters from Celebrate Recovery, and from the Beatitudes.

[Cedar Park Dad]

I don't forgive.

[The Annoyed Man]

I don't forgive.

You mean generally, or in this specific story (above)? And why not?

[SewTexas]

if you don't forgive you become bitter, it will eat away at you, eventually enough people will have done enough things to you that you will hold enough things against most people you know and no one else will want to be around you because you're a bitter and horrible person.



/sarc on/ no, I have absolutely no personal experience in this situation, it's not a part of my personal life...it didn't almost send me to the hospital... /sarc off/

[The Annoyed Man]

Forgiveness takes a lot of strength, oftentimes more than someone has - particularly when anger is so much easier to hold onto.

It's never an easy thing.

You're absolutely right, it is difficult. For people of religious conviction.....at least Christian religious conviction.....the refusal to forgive has multi-layered consequences though. In that paradigm, to refuse to forgive is to refuse to A) believe that God is a just God, and B) that He will do justice on your behalf. Like a friend of mine said the other day, "I refuse to forgive because I don't trust God to do as good a job of keeping score as I can." I know how he feels. I also know that I am called to be better than that, and so is my friend. He was preaching a message about forgiveness when he said it.

I can't presume to speak for other people, even other Christians. And I certainly don't think it is an easy thing for anyone to choose forgiveness, regardless of their spiritual condition. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But I do really believe in my heart that if one can bring one's self to forgiveness of another, then the forgiver will have a happier life than if they hang onto the anger/hurt and nurse the resentments and grudges, and keep score of all that, year after year after year. I don't believe there is a qualified therapist/counselor who would disagree with that, religious or secular. You could find yourself 30-40 years down the road, nursing that grudge and mad as heck for that 30-40 years at someone who doesn't even know you're still alive and forgot all about you. Who did the years of your pent up and unrequited anger and bitterness hurt more? You, or the guy who doesn't even know you exist? MUCH better to let go of it.....and that is essentially what forgiveness is: to let go of the right of retribution, and to trust that ultimately, justice will be done.

[Cedar Park Dad]

I don't forgive.

You mean generally, or in this specific story (above)? And why not?

Generally. Its a family trait on my mother's side...
To the specific person. If I were a family member, definitely not.

[Keith B]

I don't forgive.

You mean generally, or in this specific story (above)? And why not?

Generally. Its a family trait on my mother's side...
To the specific person. If I were a family member, definitely not.

It takes a real human being to forgive. In this case it was just a young inexperienced driveer who made a mistake. She wasn't drinking and driving, she wasn't texting, she just made an error. What would you want the family to do if it were one of your kids who 'just made a mistake'? I think the shoe woudl be on the other foot then.

[Cedar Park Dad]

I don't forgive.

You mean generally, or in this specific story (above)? And why not?

Generally. Its a family trait on my mother's side...
To the specific person. If I were a family member, definitely not.

It takes a real human being to forgive. In this case it was just a young inexperienced driveer who made a mistake. She wasn't drinking and driving, she wasn't texting, she just made an error. What would you want the family to do if it were one of your kids who 'just made a mistake'? I think the shoe woudl be on the other foot then.

The OP asked for opinions and I am being truthful.
It wouldn't matter. I would never forgive and never forget.

[Keith B]

I would not forget, but I would do my best to forgive. Holding on to those types of things will eat you alive, especially when there was no malice involved.

[SewTexas]

I don't think we need to forget, I don't think we should, heavens....if someone causes you an injury from a careless incident in a car accident, you can forgive them, you may not want to be in the car with them driving again, and who would blame you? We need to forgive, but we don't have to blindly trust....but....at the same time, we should allow a person to earn back our trust....

[Abraham]

Forgiveness = Nobility?

Nah - If what was done was so egregious as to be bestial, the victim has no duty to let the monster off the hook.

Stewing in the juices of bitterness, no, that's not helpful either. One can endeavor to live a positive life, but forgiving the unforgivable, not me.

Forgiving the monsters so they can feel better about themselves, never...

And to be clear, I'm being generic...

[wil]

Those who repent (apologize sincerely and attempt to right the wrongdoing) of thier wrongdoing deserve forgiveness, it is the same standard for christians. We confess our wrongdoing to the Almighty and ask for forgiveness and the grace to avoid continuing the same . Those who repent or admit thier wrongdoing may not be able to undo what they've done, however if thier repentence and/or sorrow is genuine, then they deserve forgiveness.
Those who don't repent, do not deserve forgiveness. To hold onto a resentment (or grudge) if our pride is what has been hurt is not a good idea. However to realize a genuine wrongdoing and remember it is not unhealthy.
Evil people do genuine wrong and forgiving them makes no difference in things whatsoever. Hating who and what they are is not wrongdoing on our part, hating evil is a good thing.
I can understand the folly of beating ourselves over the head with the club of anger we intend to use on others, however that is different from allowing ourselves the genuine anger a person should feel when they are genuinely wronged.

[mamabearCali]

Forgiving is not for the offender (it can be but it does not have to be). It is for the benefit of the person who has been offended. It is the laying aside of your justified emotion to punish and releasing (for a Christian anyway) the offender to the judgement and mercy of the Almighty.

Forgiving permits the person who has been injured to move on, and to continue on in their life. It is not immediate, nor is it easy. It is painful, but not so painful as bitterness is. God is patient and if you ask He will help you to forgive.